


Uniformed Awakening

by mforpaul



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Light Bondage, Love Confessions, M/M, Office Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Power Dynamics, Rough Sex, Smut, Uniform Kink, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2019-10-03 22:13:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17292401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mforpaul/pseuds/mforpaul
Summary: Original prompt: Kinky smut where Sonny unexpectedly shows up at Rafael's office in his uniform.Bonus if the hat ends up on Rafael's head.And now it has turned into porn with plot.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soul_writerr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_writerr/gifts).



> This is what happens when two great minds have the same headcanon about a Barisi uniform kink. This is where it all started btw: [Barisi wedding with Sonny getting married in uniform](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17174516/chapters/40626410)...

* * *

 “ _Hey!_ ”

Carisi’s voice was breathy as if he had run up the three flight of stairs to Barba’s office.

“Sorry, I'm beyond late, but Liv isn't becoming a Lieutenant every day, so…” Carisi paused. “I hope you understand.”

Barba had his back turned to Carisi, searching for something in his file drawer. He had heard first the door to his office open and then the shy knock on it ( _And where’s the sense in that?_ , Barba wondered).

Indeed, Carisi was over an hour late to pick him up for their date. It was unnecessary really that Carisi had to pick him up at all, not just because Barba was a grown man but mostly as they were going to his apartment anyway and hands down, Carisi was the one who was going to cook and Carisi was the one who was going to realize that there was nothing left in Barba’s fridge and then he was going to be the one to go to the next bodega to do Barba's grocery shopping.

But screw him, Barba liked to be wooed. He liked the attention and then again, he was dating Sonny Carisi. What else was an over-eager, younger lover there for if not to spoil him?

Plus, he had managed to finish his opening statement in this hour waiting for Carisi. And he was quite pleased with his statement actually.

But Barba had to keep appearance so he decided to play grumpy.

“Hmmm”, he hummed in response and didn’t turn around to face Carisi.

Also, he was not wearing a suit jacket. Therefore he knew that his ass was on full display right now. And Carisi loved that. Just as much as he loved those pink suspenders he was wearing.

“C’mon, Rafi. Don’t make me feel bad.”

“Didn’t say anything.”

“I’ll cook anything you want, promised.”

Still unseen by Carisi, Barba rolled his eyes. As if _that_ was his concern. This man was hopeless. And cute while being so.

Barba had found the file he was searching for and turned around.

 _Oh_.

Barba stared at Carisi.

 _Uh-oh_.

“I can cook something different than pasta even, if you’d just…”

“Lock that door.”

Carisi’s expression fell. He turned his hat around in his hands and shifted his weight.

“Rafi, there's no one here anymore anyway, so if you wanna give me a…”

“Lock. That. Door.”

“Okay, okay.” Carisi held up his two hands defensively, the hat of his uniform still in one hand. He took a few steps back and closed the door. “It’s Friday, Rafi, we have time tonight. An hour, what difference does it make?”

Barba took a moment to let his eyes wander over the uniform Carisi was wearing. All black. Black shirt, black tie, black suit. The badges on his broad shoulders and the hat in his hand.

“C’mon, _Rafi_.”

Carisi was deeply sweet when he started pleading and that was the _only_ reason why Barba allowed him to use this term of endearment, even though they were seeing each other for only two months.

Barba walked towards him and noted that his dirty blond hair was flattened by the hat he must have been wearing during the promotion ceremony. Carisi’s eyebrows were drawn together, making his ocean blue eyes shine even brighter. And didn’t Barba have a soft spot for those?

Barba took the hat out of Carisi’s hands and tiptoed to put it back onto his head.

Carisi’s expression immediately shifted from worry to surprise, but Barba said nothing. He walked passed him to the door, locked it ( _and not just close it like Carisi had_ ) and shut down the blinds. Carmen had been gone over two hours ago and his colleagues should have done the same, but there was no reason to risk it.

Barba turned back to face Carisi who was now standing a little helpless in his office. His arms hanging on his sides awkwardly, having nothing to hold and hence nothing to do.

 _Nah-uh_.

He was cute as fuck.

This uniform with its standardized cut did nothing good for the sharp figure Carisi usually cuts. But it made his shoulders look broad. Very broad. And manly. And it displayed the shiny insignias that Carisi had earned while working in the police force. The badges adorned his torso, made him look powerful. And then this hat. Even shaved and sweet-faced like his lover was there standing in front of him, Carisi was oozing authority. And strength.

Barba stepped forward and unceremoniously crashed their lips together. Carisi, always so easily impressed, parted his lips willingly. Barba in turn immediately let go of every bit of self-control that he would claim to have had and grabbed Carisi by the hair at the back of his head, zealously pulling him close.

Frantically, Barba licked into Carisi’s wet mouth and sent a thankful prayer to every deity there is for that this man was by far the best kisser Barba had ever met.

The only problem was that Barba couldn’t see that fucking uniform while kissing him. So Barba let his hands wander over shoulders, feeling the rough fabric of the uniform, exploring the badges under his fingertips. He spread his palms over his broad chest to feel the firm muscles under there, the muscles that can exercise power on perps and offer comfort to those who need it. Barba pressed his hands against those muscles, only to finally firmly seize Carisi by the collar.

Not. Enough.

Barba broke the kiss and searched for Carisi’s eyes, deeply pleased to find them darkened by lust already. They reminded him of a storm in the ocean.

“You’re so _fucking_ hot!”

Barba gritted his teeth while he admired these stunningly beautiful kiss-bruised lips.

“You’re such a hot piece of shit.”

In this moment realization lit up in Carisi’s face. He took a short look down to himself where Barba’s hands had him grabbed by the collar of his uniform jacket.

“Is that so?”

Carisi asked with his eyes fluttering seductively.  _Oh_ that feigned innocence, Barba thought, it was a good look on Carisi. A very good one.

Barba put an index finger on the knot of Carisi’s tie. Sloppily, he pulled and thereby loosened it a little.

Carisi’s cologne got all caught up in Barba’s nose and the smell of it was by all sense of the word intoxicating. With trembling fingers he started to unbutton the shirt. He needed skin…

“I asked you a question.”

Surprised Barba looked up to find intense blue eyes firmly fixed on him. He swallowed hard, but couldn’t find his voice. He nodded.

“Now who told you to undress me?”

Barba’s eyelashes fluttered prettily.

Carisi put his long fingers around Barba's chin and clasped his jaw. “How dare you talk to me like that anyway?”

Barba’s lips parted, but not to speak. He didn’t find anything to say and quite frankly, he didn’t want to say anything anyway. He wanted to be claimed by that fucking mouth again, have this sinful tongue back in his throat. And he absolutely didn’t mind these fingers firmly pressing into the flesh of his jawline.

Barba slowly approached Carisi’s lips but was held back by the younger man hardening his grip on him.

“On your knees.”

Carisi let go of Barba’s jaw. Barba, again surprised, looked up into Carisi’s eyes in search for any unease or at least insecurity.

He was absolutely delighted to find none of it.

_And all this from a sweet-faced detective who hadn’t fucked a man until Barba allowed him to take the pleasure._

Barba’s dick twitched painfully.

“I said. On. Your. Knees.”

 _“Oh.”_ The sound escaped Barba’s lips unwillingly.

Barba bit in the inside of his cheek. Of course, he wanted to protest. It was in his nature. But then again, he had a soft spot for that man. A very soft one. And if he was being that gorgeous in his fucking police uniform, who was he to refuse?

So Barba was on his knees in no time. The floor was hard and hurt his knees, but none of that mattered when he saw Carisi’s fly very obviously tented.

He touched it and stroked a palm over Carisi’s dick underneath the black pants. He wanted to take his time exploring those uniform pants for a while, but Carisi ordered him to move forward to the main event.

So Barba opened Carisi’s belt with shaking hands, lips trembling. His hands were really shaking and Barba himself couldn’t believe it. He didn’t remember when he had ever been this excited before.

His mouth started to water when he opened the zipper.

The pants fell down and Barba winced. Carisi was wearing tight black boxer briefs underneath. _God,_ he loved them. They stressed Carisi’s big dick and fine ass in all the right places.

Barba wanted time with all of these impressions. This was why he cursed Carisi’s hands on his head, urging him to go on. Thus Barba pulled down the briefs as well and Carisi’s penis sprang free.

That was _it_. Period.

Nothing else in the world mattered to Barba in this moment than sucking this cock.

He wrapped a hand around Carisi’s impressive size and licked his flat tongue over the length of it.

Barba licked and licked and licked over this beautiful dick as much and as fast as he could.

Barba heard himself moaning along with Carisi.

And Carisi’s dick tasted _delicious_.

While stroking lazily over Carisi’s thing, Barba sucked his balls with relish. He loved the sounds that he drew from the younger man who had started to rock his hips forward.

 _Oh_. This was just too good.

And Barba couldn’t help himself. He wanted to hear more of these moans and he wanted to taste Carisi’s sperm. So without any ado, he sucked on the head of Carisi’s dick for a bit before he took him in completely.

Barba started bobbing his head up and down right away, tightening his lips as much as possible.

And indeed, Carisi pulled Barba’s hair even harder.

Barba relaxed his throat and pushed his head until his nose was firmly pressed into the soft foam of Carisi’s pubic hair.

_“Oh."_

Barba heard Carisi suck in a breath and he smirked around him. _Yes,_ Barba had figured that Carisi must be experiencing deep throating for the first time.

“Oh, Raf, you…” And Carisi’s grip in Barba’s hair only tightened. _God,_ he loved the sweet pain. “ _You slut_.”

Barba pulled away and couldn’t help to let out a huff. If it would be the right moment, he would have argued: _So? You fucking like it._

Barba repeated the motion a couple of times, took his younger lover in as deeply as he could, savoring the extensive moans he drew out of Carisi’s mouth.

But before Barba could make him come, Carisi pulled him by the hair back onto his feed.

“Get naked”, Carisi ordered simply.

His voice was deep, but calm. His face was not strict, but his expression stern. And Barba felt absolutely blown away by the serenity with which Carisi displayed his authority.

Claimed his power.

Carisi had his arms crossed in front of his chest while he watched Barba slowly take off his clothes.

His blue eyes which were, as Barba would swear, the sexiest they had ever been trailed lazily over every piece of exposed skin. Barba knew Carisi to absolutely worship him, intellectually and otherwise, but in this moment there was no appreciation whatsoever in the detective’s eyes. As a matter of fact, Carisi seemed _bored._ He even raised a brow when his gaze stopped on Barba’s painfully, painfully hard erection.

And Barba’s dick twitched under the attention.

“Good”, Carisi commented noncommittedly.

Barba stood in his office completely naked and couldn’t take his eyes of Carisi in that fucking uniform. He felt the hair on his neck standing up. And Barba did not just have goosebumps. More than that, his whole body was shaking.

And he knew that Carisi was very well aware of the effect he had on him.

“ _No_!” Barba exclaimed when Carisi started to unbutton his own shirt. “I wanna see you like this.”

Carisi smirked, but stopped taking his shirt off.

He just stood there fully clothed, pants down, with a loosened tie and an open shirt which did not expose even close enough skin.

 _In his uniform_.

 _Sexy as fuck_.

Carisi took a few steps towards him and pushed him until Barba felt his desk hitting the back of his legs.

Suddenly, Carisi’s strong hands gripped Barba’s shoulder and jerked him around.

Barba felt Carisi’s hard dick pushing against his ass and Carisi’s large palms stroking over his bare back. Barba shivered, he couldn’t believe that he was going to say no to this but he quickly turned himself around again: “No, I wanna see you. Like this.” He pointedly let his eyes trail over Carisi’s uniform.

“I don’t think that's your decision, counselor”, Carisi answered calmly.

“You’re so fucking hot, I have to…”

Barba stopped in the middle of the sentence when he felt a hot sting on his cheek.

“ _Oh_.”

Barba blinked and for a second was not sure if it had really happened. But yes, it had. Carisi had smacked him, across the cheek, not hard but it stung.

Barba searched in Carisi’s expression for… anything, but the younger man looked back at him totally unimpressed.

“Do you want any trouble, counselor?” Carisi asked calmly.

“No”, Barba huffed, feigning innocence. _“Officer.”_ He already had it, he was deeply in it already.

“Then you better do what I tell you and I might give you what you want.”

Carisi’s voice was merely a whisper, but the tone was dangerous. Barba felt like he could come if only Carisi kept talking like this.

Barba bit his lips in delight and nodded.

“Good”, Carisi commented and quickly licked a pearl of sweat on Barba’s jaw away. “So I understand you have supplies, counselor.”

Eagerly Barba nodded. He definitely did. Actually, only a few days ago they had spent the lunch break together in his office. The sweet, and in Barba’s opinion totally unnecessary, kiss hello that Carisi had pressed on his lips had turned into a hot make out session. A very hot one. In fact, they had only stopped because… well, because of lack of supplies. And Barba couldn’t have let that happened again so he had bought condoms and lube that very day.

Luckily he had.

“One moment.”

Barba pulled away from Carisi’s body leaning onto him so that he could round his desk to reach into his bottom drawer.

As soon as he had turned away, he felt a hot sting on his ass. With a loud smacking sound, Carisi had slapped him again. That one did quite hurt, so Barba looked at his lover surprised. Not that he didn’t enjoy it, but still.

“Don’t blame me”, Carisi said and raised his two hands. “That ass is divine.”

Barba rolled his eyes and hurried to get the condoms and the lube out of his desk. Then he settled himself back between Carisi’s strong body and his desk.

“What do you want?” Carisi asked provocatively.

“I want you to fuck me.”

“I don’t know, you’ve been pretty naughty, counselor.”

“Please.”

“Come again?”

“Please”, Barba said now a little louder, wondering when he had gone this far to not let shame stand in his way.

“And why is that?” Carisi asked nonchalantly and lifted Barba up a little so to place him sitting on his desk.

 _Uh-oh_ , Barba was absolutely delighted.

“Cause you fuck me so good.”

“Is that so?”

Carisi took the lube and put some of it onto his fingers.

Barba nodded eagerly. His hips trembled in anticipation, but Carisi didn’t touch him.

“But tell me, counselor, you're very attractive. Many men must want you.”

“I only want you”, Barba replied within a heartbeat, wondering where this answer had come from so quickly.

Carisi on the other hand cracked a smile and reached between Barba’s cheeks.

“Do you?”

Carisi put their foreheads together and stared into Barba’s green eyes.

Barba nodded, totally intoxicated by Carisi's hot breath on his lips.

“Yeah, you’re so good for me.”

Carisi pushed a finger inside of Barba and started to circle it in a painfully slow pace. Barba groaned and pushed his hips back onto the finger. He could barely take the suspense.

Instinctively, Barba knew he was wanted to keep talking.

“You feel so good."

Barba breathed against his lover's lips and as a reward Carisi pushed another finger inside. Barba put his feed flat on the table to give the detective better access and Carisi curled his fingers so to hit the special spot.

Barba closed his eyes. His lips started to tremble and he felt a prickling warmth everywhere on his body. He needed that dick. He needed that dick soon.

He needed him.

“Please, I want you.”

And Carisi pushed a third finger inside.

“Look at me”, Carisi ordered and Barba forced his eyes open. He tried to take in the image of his lover. He was always absolutely sexy when he was aroused. He had a flush in his face that usually spread all the way down to his stomach. His lips were slightly parted and the shield of his uniform hat placed a dangerous shadow over his face. Barba was absolutely stunned. In contrast to the frenzy energy that Barba was setting, Carisi looked calm. All in control.

Desperately Barba grabbed the collar of Carisi’s uniform.

“Fuck me.”

“Did you deserve that?”

“You look so good in that uniform, detective, you cannot do that to me.”

And Carisi smirked cruelly.

“Do I drive you crazy, counselor?”

Carisi was by now mercilessly massaging Barba’s prostate. Barba felt warmth spreading in his crotch and thought that he wouldn’t be able to hold back any longer.

And god, did he want to get fucked.

“Please”, Barba begged. “You’re the best I ever had.” _And the only one I’ll ever want_.

Carisi pulled his fingers out and reached for the condoms.

Barba’s whole body was now shaking in anticipation. His skin prickled and he just couldn’t help himself.

“Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me”, he whispered as he watched Carisi wear on the condom, spreading lube over it.

Barba slung his arms around Carisi’s neck and his heart was pounding hardly. He totally gave himself into Carisi’s control. But he trusted him.

And when Carisi finally slid into him, Barba let out a groan.

“Yeah, fuck me, fuck me.”

Carisi didn’t take much mercy on him and started off with a fast pace.

“Tell me again!”

“You’re the best. You’re so fucking good.”

Barba was only stammering.

His position on the desk was less than ideal, he had trouble balancing himself so he held onto Carisi. He tried to wrap his legs around his lover's hips as firmly as possible and his arms around his middle, searching for a grip in his uniform.

“Say my name.”

Barba desperately pulled Carisi close.

“Sonny. Detective. Carisi.”

It was unfair really, Barba was too far gone to know what Carisi wanted from him.

And Carisi, strongly, held him in place while he fucked the hell out of him until Barba was only a babbling mess.

“Yes. More. Harder. Fuck. Fuck!”

In addition to the warmth that slowly spread from his crotch into his stomach, Barba also felt the prickle from his lips spread over his face.

He wouldn’t be able to last long.

This was just too good.

“Sonny, fuck me harder.”

So he let one of his hands go off Carisi’s shoulders and touched himself.

But Carisi smacked him again. Barba felt his cheek burn up and the sensation went right to his touch deprived cock.

“Did I tell you to do that?” Carisi asked while not slowing down his thrusts. “You gonna come untouched.”

And Barba did. Right there, right then. The commanding tone in Carisi’s hoarse voice had pushed him over the edge. Streaks of white come spread all over his own stomach.

And had Barba ever come this hard?

Carisi fucked him through the orgasm and when Barba finally slumped down bonelessly, he pulled out.

Barba let out a sound of protest, suddenly feeling empty.

“On your knees again.”

Barba blinked, but he was simply too smitten by this man to not do what he wanted from him.

So for the second time this evening, he was kneeling on a floor, something that Rafael Barba surely never did.

Carisi had stripped off the condom.

“That’s right”, he gasped.

And: “Look at me.”

Carisi jerked himself in a steady pace.

“I wanna see your pretty eyes, you sexy fuck.”

By Carisi’s accelerating breathing, Barba could tell that he was close.

“Now open that sweet mouth. That dirty, dirty mouth.”

Carisi’s already flushed face turned dark red and his pupils blew wide.

“You’re so full of filth, Raf.”

And then he came.

Barba stuck out his tongue to catch the semen, but he also felt it land warmly on his chin, his mouth, his cheeks.

He felt his heart thrusting so hardly in his chest that he thought it would burst. In his ears, he heard his own blood rushing. But mostly he watched his lover as he fell apart, as he totally gave himself up in the orgasm.

Barba was stunned, totally besotted.

And exhausted.

He looked up to Carisi who had finally let go of his dick. His eyes were closed and he smiled to himself. He let out a deep breath.

Then, Carisi lifted his hand to his head, took off the uniform hat and placed it on Rafael’s head.

Carisi let his eyes trail over naked Barba kneeling in front of him.

“Look at you”, he said admiringly.

Carisi took Barba by the shoulder and lifted him up. But Barba felt shaky on his legs so he shifted his weight back until he lent against his desk again.

Carisi gently cupped his jaw and kissed him thoroughly.

They broke the kiss when they both had to let out a laugh.

“Who’s the filthy one?” Barba asked.

“Gosh, that was awesome!” Carisi sighed happily. "I surely never did that before."

“We were so loud.” Barba seriously hoped they had really been alone in the DA’s office because they had paid zero attention to the volume they had displayed. Like this locked doors and closed blinds were only a farce. When did he become this reckless? They could lose their jobs.

All worries were pushed away soon when he felt Carisi’s lips on his again, for a chaste kiss.

“You’re so fucking sexy, Rafi.”

Barba closed his eyes with a pleased smile on his lips. He felt warmth blossoming in his chest.

“No kidding, you look so good with come all over you.” Carisi leaned back to look over him. Barba had his own come all over his stomach and his lover's all over his face. “And my hat on you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, Sonny arrives at Rafael's apartment in his uniform.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pointing fingers at soul_writerr

* * *

Barba knew it was not Carisi’s fault but indeed Olivia’s that the detective had been working overtime for the most part of last week. And it was his own fault only that he had started missing him.

But still, there was no need for Carisi to refuse him today, too. SVU had caught the perp and Carisi had the night off which meant plenty of time to pleasure Barba. But Carisi had made up stupid excuses about needing to visit someone and catching up on some sleep.

Even in his empty apartment, Barba _tsk_ ed.

Barba couldn’t risk to sound too desperate, but nevertheless he decided to push his chances again.

[ _Come over_ ]

[ _Sorry_ ]

Even though Carisi was not there to see it, Barba pouted like a toddler at the display of his phone. _Sorry?_ _That’s it?_ No cute pleading, nothing about one of his damn sisters, not even a _Rafi?_

Barba didn’t like that.

[ _It doesn’t matter if it’s late_ ]

Reminding himself that he was trying not to sound too desperate, he added [ _I’m horny_ ].

[ _Rafi, one week OT. I’m fucking tired, just gonna go to sleep after I’m back from Bella’s_ ]

Barba sighed. Not that he secretly liked Carisi being stubborn, but still. It wasn’t like him to leave Barba deprived for more than a week. Nearly ten days.

Barba shook his head. After four months together and no conversation about what their thing even was, it was impressive how familiar they had gotten with each other. But Barba pushed that thought far away into the back of his mind.

He went into the kitchen and searched his freezer for the lasagna that Carisi had prepared for him like some Sicilian nonna. After he found it, Barba put it in the microwave and checked his phone while waiting for it to heat up. He hadn’t given any reply and so hadn’t Carisi.

No Rafi, no sorry, no dimpled selfie.

This was why Barba knew who was at the other side of the door when he heard a knock an hour later.

Barba smirked to himself. So he had managed to make Carisi feel guilty. _Good_.

Barba might know who stood on his door step, but not _how_ Carisi was going to show up.

Black shiny shoes, black pants that fit tightly around his crotch, a black blazer exposing broad shoulders, a shiny badge on his biceps, colorful insignias on his strong chest, a black shirt buttoned up, a black tie around his delicate neck and this cursed police hat on his head. Only his gloves were white.

Barba bit his lips when he scrutinized Carisi in his uniform from head to toe.

On his lips Carisi had a smile that Barba found to be a little too pleased.

When the younger man opened his mouth to say something, Barba cut him off: “Don’t!” Carisi shouldn’t ruin this moment with some cheesy cop line.

Instead Barba walked a few steps backwards, Carisi followed him inside and shut the door behind him.

They just stared at each other for a few long moments.

Then Barba started undressing himself, until he was standing completely naked in his hallway. His clothes carelessly splattered on the floor. But it was all right, they were only his home clothes.

“You're wearing your gloves”, Barba commented.

Slightly startled by surprise Carisi looked at his hands. The corners of his mouth twitched suspiciously and his eyes lit up in amusement, but other than that he managed to keep a straight face.

“Yes, I do”, Carisi said in his deepest voice and Barba was aware that this was enough to make him hard. No doubt Carisi had noticed, too.

Carisi raised his gloved hand and Barba melted into the touch before he even was touched. Shivering before he even felt the white glove on his cheek.

This was what made Carisi hesitate. He stopped the motion before he touched Barba’s face and Barba shot him a look in protest.

“You like them, don't you?”

Barba blinked and nodded truthfully.

In return, he received a knowing smirk from Carisi. _Oh fuck_ , Barba thought, anticipating that Carisi had an idea about what to do to him.

A gloved thumb lightly brushed over Barba’s bottom lip, parting his lips and making him lean in desperately for a kiss. But Carisi had other plans. He started stepping forward and Barba followed his guide, walking backwards into his living room. He felt hypnotized by Carisi’s lusty eyes that appeared to be even darker with the shield of the hat spreading a shadow over half of the detective’s attractive face.

It was Carisi’s eyes more than the feather light touch of the gloved hand on his chin that made Barba sit down on his couch.

Carisi pushed a knee between Barba. He felt the rough fabric of the uniform brush against his naked thighs. Barba already had goosebumps all over his body. He wanted to fist his hands into that uniform but Carisi’s intense gaze put him into trance.

Carisi lowered his head until the shield of his hat touched Barba’s forehead. Barba lifted his face up to meet Carisi’s lips, but the detective pulled his head away with a smile.

 _“No,_ kiss me”, Barba whimpered.

Carisi only smirked, calmly. Among the soft lines of his striking face Barba couldn’t find any smugness or sternness. No, the strength that Carisi radiated was just a natural cause of action.

“Lay down”, Carisi said simply.

And without breaking eye contact Barba lay down on his back, resting his head on the armrest. Nearly out of reflex he bent his head back to expose his throat.

Carisi, as expected, had turned out to be very eager to please Barba sexually. In combination with Carisi seemingly horny all the time, they usually barely made it to the bedroom which is why Barba’s couch was the place where they mostly had sex. So Barba on his back with Carisi’s weight on him was a familiar position. And Carisi absolutely worshipped Barba’s body, normally starting with his neck.

But this time, there were no lips nipping on his pulse point and no tall man lying on him.

No, this time fingertips of Carisi’s hand in white gloves were barely touching his throat.

It took Barba’s breath away.

He opened his mouth, breathing heavily. Carisi quickly stroke a gloved finger over the inside of Barba’s bottom lip, but he pulled away as soon as Barba licked with his tongue over it.

And then Carisi did his worshipping. Just not with his mouth like he usually did, but with his hands in these cursed white gloves.

Barba’s skin was already overly sensitive, but the feel of the rough fabric that brushed over his body feather lightly put every brain cell of his out of order.

Carisi palmed his hands across Barba’s shoulders and torso, lazily playing with some chest hair. He twirled his fingers around Barba’s erected nipples, stroked down his love path, circled over hip bones and finally paid attention to the inside of Barba’s thighs.

“Sonny.”

Barba’s heart was beating so fast that he felt his vision turning blurry. The fabric mercilessly tickled on his skin.

“Sonny!”

But Barba wanted so much more. He wanted to be properly touched, he wanted to feel him. Carisi’s naked skin. Or weight, or anything.

“Sonny, please.”

Barba’s breath was coming in staccato by now and Barba felt the familiar prickling feeling in his crotch. Helplessly he lifted his hands up because he wanted to touch him, but he felt too weak to sit up enough to reach for Carisi who was powerfully positioned over him with a knee between Barba’s thighs and one leg on the ground.

In awe, Barba watched him: Carisi all composed with his hat on and the colorful badges on the black suit. He seemed so strong. And beautiful.

“Sonny, please!”

Carisi had never been sexier, Barba was sure of that. And these light touches of his hands with the barrier of white gloves between, they were getting too much. Barba wanted more.

He needed him.

“Sonny, please, stop that. You cannot do this to me. Touch me, please, I need you to touch me.”

Carisi’s blue eyes found Barba’s, but his expression gave nothing away. He looked totally calm, unimpressed by Barba’s desperation. The only clues that Barba could make out in his lover’s face were the slightly parted lips and a beautiful flush on his cheeks. Barba wanted to kiss him. He needed him.

That was when Carisi wrapped his gloved hand around Barba’s erection.

Barba sucked in a sharp breath and closed his eyes. He felt Carisi callously jerking him. The fabric of the glove rubbed hardly against the sensitive skin of his dick. It was a little painful, nonetheless Barba felt the warm feeling from his crotch spreading all over his body. He lifted himself up in an attempt to get some grip on his lover. So he dug his fingers into Carisi’s shoulders.

He held onto Carisi while he tried to reach his lips, but his lover didn’t let him. Carisi held his face in front of Barba’s who now desperately thrusted into his lover's fist, but the younger man didn’t allow their lips to meet. Instead, he locked eyes with Barba.

“Sonny, please. You need to kiss me!”

Carisi tightened his fist, wordlessly denying what Barba had asked for.

“Sonny, I need you to kiss me, please. I need to feel you!”

Why didn’t he give him what Barba wanted? That was not like him. Their lips were so close, but not touching. Barba loosened the death grip of one of his hands on Carisi’s shoulders to reach for his neck. With an impossible strength Carisi held himself in place even though Barba was trying to pull him down.

In his weird sense of mind, Barba didn’t reach further up with his hands because he wanted to keep Carisi’s hat in place.

All the while Carisi kept jacking him with his gloved hand.

“Oh god”, Barba gasped and he felt his eyes water. He was so close, but how could he come without feeling more of Carisi?

“Come for me, Rafi”, Carisi whispered. “You're so fucking beautiful like this. Just come for me, please. I- You're so amazing, Rafi.”

And Barba came, the orgasm was so relieving that he just fell back into the couch feeling like all of his energy had left him. He swallowed hard, his throat felt dry and he needed to closed his eyes for a moment.

Only when he heard Carisi chuckle, he looked up again.

“You said your dry cleaner's a genius, right? Cause these gloves are ruined.”

Carisi smirked mischievously and took off the gloves.

 _He has no idea what he’s done to me_ , Barba thought.

And suddenly Barba felt cold. There was a sweat film all over his body that now with the heat of the moment gone made him shiver. Carisi was still holding himself on one knee on the couch, tossing his messed up gloves on the coffee table.

Barba suddenly felt empty, incomplete with Carisi there close to him but not touching him.

Barba felt like _sobbing._

Last time, six weeks ago, when Carisi had turned up in his office with his uniform, it had been the same. Barba had all of the sudden felt scared shitless about how he had given himself into the total control of Carisi. The fear had flattened out quickly when Carisi had heaped tenderness upon him afterwards, but still.

Barba knew he could trust Carisi, nonetheless he felt his heart beat rise up in fear.

He reached out for Carisi’s black tie and pulled him down. Sloppily, Barba pushed the uniform jacket over his shoulders and was glad when Carisi complied and took the jacket off. With shaking hands, Barba loosened the tie and unbuttoned the black shirt.

“I need you”, he panted.

Barba was incredibly happy to find naked skin. He just pushed his hands underneath the shirt and stroke them along Carisi’s sides. The feeling of his lover’s warm skin calmed him down a little.

Carisi chuckled, apparently still oblivious to what he was doing to Barba. He took his hat off and placed it on Barba’s head.

Barba could feel heat oozing from Carisi’s hat which made him realize that the younger man must have been sweating the whole time.

“Last time there was something I didn’t let you do long enough”, Carisi said nonchalantly.

Barba watched Carisi undo his belt, open the button of his uniform trousers and pull down the zipper of his fly. Carisi wrapped a hand around Barba’s jaw and with the other hand he pulled himself out.

“You're so fucking sexy with my hat on you.”

Upon seeing Carisi’s impressive erection, Barba opened his mouth in a heartbeat. He stuck out his tongue and welcomed his lover’s dick into his mouth. With sinful moans, Barba started sucking. He loved the taste of Carisi’s dick; salty, rich, strong.

“Yeah, just like that. Now swallow deep, babe.”

Barba relaxed his throat and let Carisi push deep inside. He moaned around him, closed his eyes and let Carisi’s dick stay in his throat until he needed to pull back for air.

“Are you okay?” Barba felt Carisi’s grip on his jaw loosen.

“I love your dick”, Barba only replied and swallowed again.

It was not long until Carisi came down Barba’s throat.

And Barba savored the moment for his memory. The feeling of his lover’s strong dick in his mouth, the beautiful hoarse groan that was escaping Carisi’s lips and the heat of the detective’s hat on his head.

How lost he had felt only minutes before, it was all forgotten. Barba now felt complete, felt a strong connection to his lover.

It was Carisi who pulled out causing an obscene sound. Barba wet his lips and relished the taste of his lover on his tongue. He kept his eyes closed until he felt Carisi collapse onto the couch.

“Oh god”, Carisi panted. He was now sitting on his heels between Barba’s legs. “ _Oh god_!” He shifted his weight and Barba sat up to put them both in a more comfortable position. _“Rafi!”_ Carisi made an appreciating sound. “How can you be this perfect?” Carisi leaned forward, cupped Barba’s face and kissed him. _Finally._

And if Barba was feeling good before, it had been nothing compared to _this._ To his lover’s lips finally pressing gently onto his. And his warm hands on his cheeks. Barba melted into the impossible softness of their kiss.

They broke their kiss and Carisi leaned their foreheads together. “Rafi”, he only huffed and Barba couldn’t help himself but feel completely dumbstruck. “Oh my god.” Or maybe Barba was simply in awe. “I-“ Carisi stopped short and Barba wondered whether his lover didn’t know what to say next. All Barba knew was that Carisi chose to smile. “It was never this good”, he said and Barba was struck by the honesty of those words.

Unable to find words, Barba smiled back in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say? This week started even worse than the last one had ended so here you are confronted with my Barisi smut therapy session. Again, this is so spontaneous, forgive me my mistakes.
> 
> Thanks to everyone for reading, kudos and comments and of course soul_writerr for cheerleading!
> 
> Love loud!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny's POV  
> He has a kink, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Lore for helping me with the Spanish filth!

* * *

For five months Sonny was wondering how Rafael Barba could live without a dishwasher. He was a grown man, but for the life of him he didn’t like washing the dishes. If Rafael wouldn’t insist so much that he usually didn’t date, Sonny would guess that he used to entertain a line up of lovers for the sole purpose of making them taking on that task.

Sonny didn’t mind. His mother had taught him the manners his older sisters hadn’t learned, so he had helped in the kitchen for all his life. He genuinely liked working in the kitchen, including doing the dirty work.

Not that any of that mattered because with Rafael he was simply weak. One look of these stunningly green eyes was enough to make him do whatever Rafael wanted. This was why Sonny appreciated that Rafael still bothered to come up with excuses why he couldn’t wash the dishes.

This time it had been “I have to call my mother”.

Sonny hadn’t understood what the big deal was. _Just call your mother._ Why it needed so much anticipation. Why it needed to be announced and prepared for with half a bottle of red wine and a double Scotch.

Sonny had guessed that all this was a part of Rafael’s usual fondness to treat the lesser things in life with an unnecessary amount of drama.

When Sonny put his hands into the lukewarm soapy water – Sonny was very sure that Rafael hadn’t noticed that he had exchange this horrible orangy smelling dish soap with an ecofriendly one – he finally heard Rafael talking on the phone in the next room.

“Mami, por favor.”

Sonny smiled to himself. _Por favor_ , such a nice Spanish word, he had always thought so.

He started straining his ears to be able to overhear Rafael better. This was a first. He had never heard him having a conversation in Spanish before.

“No me gustan estos calcetines.”

Sonny also started to be cautious with the dishes so that he wouldn’t make too much noise. He wanted to relish those sanguine words that made the conversation sound dangerously hot-headed.

Sonny knew some Spanish because he had always liked the language and since he had met Rafael, well, he had tried to polish up what he had learned in high school. Not that he had a chance or ever thought that he would have one to impress Rafael with his Spanish skills.

“Porque no me gustan.”

So Sonny did understand some Spanish, but hearing native speakers talk with their fast tongue was a hopeless task. And Sonny guessed that Rafael must also have a Cuban accent.

"¿Qué?“

That much Sonny understood.

"Son aburridos.“

Sonny just enjoyed hearing those _r_ s rolling harshly off Rafael’s heavenly tongue. The tone of Rafael's voice flared up into a fiery temper. A small shiver ran all the way down Sonny’s spine while listening to that deep, yet soft voice of his lover.

"¡Mami!“

It was only then that Sonny was first reminded that Rafael was talking to his mother and the conversation therefore couldn't nearly be as erotic as Sonny imagined and that second he gathered that Rafael must be arguing with his mother. Had he missed something earlier? Had he been supposed to read more into “I have to call my mother”?

He let the plate slide back into the sink and quickly dried his hands at a dishcloth.

Sonny walked to the door of the kitchen and there he stopped short.

Rafael, his wonderful lover Rafael, stood in front of the window of the living room with the back to him. In one hand he held the phone pressed onto his ear. With the other arm he was leaning against the wall at the window. His hips were slanted in a delicate angle that - so Sonny was sure - only existed to drive him crazy.

“Ese es problema de tía Clarita. Yo uso el color que quiera.”

As always when Rafael got angry, his voice turned a tone deeper and a little bit more hoarse then usual. He talked in a dangerously quiet voice that was merely more than a whisper.

„¿Y naranja es un problema por qué?“

Rafael cocked his head back in a quick motion. In the blurry reflection of the window Sonny could see that he had blown a strain of hair out of his forehead. 

“Me gusta naranja.”

Apparently puffing hadn’t been enough to correct whatever mistake Rafael had detected in his hairdo because he started stroking through his hair using his hand like a comb, the window served as a mirror. For some inexplicable reason, these motions made Sonny wish that he would be the one on the receiving end of his hand’s attention.

“Lo que diga tía Clarita me da iugual.”

Rafael seemed to have finally given up on his efforts to manage what the hair product couldn’t anymore and thoroughly ruffled his hair.

Sonny thought he would die. He just stood there and stared. Beside his raising heartbeat he felt a familiar warmth building up in his belly.

“En realidad, no deberíamos llamarla así.”

Sonny scratched his dick through the fabric of his jeans.

“Ella es tan gorda.”

Hearing Rafael talking in his own language was a joyride in itself. The sharp _s_ -sounds and the rolling _r_ s of the Spanish language brought the fire that lied underneath the skin of this man much better to the surface than the English language ever could. But if also the man’s tasty ass, so well formed in the dress pants that he was still wearing, was so delicately on display, Sonny’s knees had no other chance but to give way.

Adding to Sonny’s absolute misery pink suspenders were hanging loosely down the sides of Rafael’s thighs.

“¿Perdón?“

And then Rafael started talking in a fast staccato of words. Instinctively Sonny compared Rafael's speech to galloping horses. Sonny understood absolutely nothing. He gathered that Rafael was talking about a range of colors and Sonny was able to make out the word “calcetines” a few times, not that he knew what that meant. All Sonny had ears for was Rafael’s tongue twirling around the edgy sounds of the Spanish language.

Sonny’s heart skipped a beat when Rafael turned around.

Now he could see the mess that was Rafael’s usually perfectly combed hair. He saw the rosy flush on the man’s cheek that had been brought up by the heated discussion that he was having. And maybe worst of all, Sonny detected some chest hair shyly nestling against the collarbone that was disposed by an unbuttoned shirt.

And then Rafael cringed his nose.

Sonny just melted away.

Rafael always did that thing with his nose when he was mad (or when he was genuinely laughing by the way). Actually, that had been the beginning of, well, the beginning of Sonny Carisi absolutely falling for Rafael Barba.

But grumpy Barba in the English language was cute. Mad Barba in the Spanish language on the other hand was incredibly _hot_.

Sonny’s heart was hammering with an immense force by the time Rafael’s lips developed a profound pout.  _Nah-uh._

“Bueno”, Rafael said in a manner that indicated that nothing was alright.

Sonny knew what these lips could do.

“Sí.”

With his pout intensifying even more, Rafael cocked a brow. Anger was glistering in his deep green eyes.

Sonny slowly started to feel like his skin was burning up under his clothes. 

“Sí, tengo calcetines negros.”

The base of Sonny’s problem was that he knew very well what this man could do with his passion. And he had absolutely no chance to resist him. With his mouth suddenly starting to water, Sonny swallowed hard.

Rafael profoundly rolled his eyes.

“Bueno, Mami.”

Sonny watched Rafael’s tongue wetting his own lips.

“Okay, see you”, he said finally.

Rafael hung up the phone and shook his head.

This was when Sonny wasn’t able to hold himself back anymore. In quick steps he crossed the room to get close to Rafael who had half turned around to the window again in order to lay down his phone on the windowsill.

Sonny’s chest hit Rafael’s shoulders and his lips could only reach a corner of the mouth. Rafael, apparently thinking that his lover wanted to offer him a comforting smooch, pursed his lips and was all the more startled when instead of a peck he received an invading tongue.

Sonny felt how Rafael drew his eyebrows together in surprise. Nonetheless, never leaving out an opportunity to be thoroughly kissed by Sonny, Rafael parted his lips.

Sonny jerked him around by the shoulders with too much force. He placed his two hands under Rafael’s gorgeous ass and for a second lifted him up from his feed to place him sitting on the window sill.

“ _Oh_ ”, Rafael let out in appreciation.

However, Rafael’s back of the head knocked rather unpleasantly against the window, producing a muffled sound.

Both men simply ignored it.

Frantically, Sonny started licking into Rafael’s hot mouth drawing hungry kisses from him. Realizing there were too many barriers between them, Sonny sloppily tried to shove Rafael’s shirt off, but it got entangled in the man's arms. Fighting with the offensive barrier of clothes, Sonny accidently hit Rafael’s phone next to them, making it fall onto the ground.

Rafael neither liked his phone scratched nor his clothes treated carelessly.

“Sonny”, Rafael said with Sonny’s tongue in his mouth.

For a second Sonny feared Rafael would get angry at him, but he just couldn’t stop kissing him. He somehow managed to peel Rafael out of his shirt and then pulled his undershirt over his head.

Rafael took this short moment when their lips had to part as an opportunity to say another insistent “Sonny!”, but only a second later Sonny was smashing their lips back together, not minding crashing teeth or Rafael’s head firmly bumping against the window again.

“Sonny”, Rafael tried again while Sonny's tongue danced around his own.

“Not that I’m complaining”, Rafael panted.

Sonny pressed himself harshly between Rafael’s open thighs. He started grinding his hips forward, feeling Rafael’s erection grow against his own already hard prick. Sonny buried his fingernails into the flesh of Rafael’s back in an attempt to have him closer.

“But why?”

Sonny took his tongue out of Rafael’s mouth for only a short moment to answer: “Because you talked Spanish.”

Rafael could only produce a muffled sound in response because Sonny pressed his lips back onto his, starting to moan into his mouth.

Sonny felt that his lover’s face scrunched up in surprise.

“Seriously?” Rafael managed to breath between kisses.

“Mmm.”

Sonny only hummed in agreement.

Nevertheless his lips left Rafael’s mouth if only to hotly breathe into his ear: “You wanna fuck me?”

Rafael huffed, more disparaging than appreciative. “No, you can take me against the window.”

Sonny’s dick twitched at the suggestion.

“Let me just get the lube.” As Sonny had suddenly pulled himself away, Rafael nearly fell from the windowsill. Only Sonny's shoulders that Rafael held onto saved him from falling to the ground. His lover didn't say something, but Rafael did not look amused. “And condoms.”

His erection in his pants pained too much for Sonny to care. He turned on the spot, eager enough to basically sprint into the bedroom.

Sonny paid the prize of his frenzy by painfully hitting a food against the couch that happened to stand in his way.

Sonny squeezed his eyes shut in order to bite back the pain that was shooting in thrusts through his foot.

On his unharmed food, Sonny jumped into the bedroom where he knocked a what he knew to be a very expensive bedside lamp off the bedside table while trying to retrieve the supplies from the drawer.

When he was finally back in the living room, he found Rafael naked leaning casually against the windowsill with his strong arms crossed in front of his chest.

Rafael's naked body, sin and heaven at the same time. 

Sonny’s mouth watered at the sight of Rafael’s erection hanging heavily, waiting for him, between his legs.

And Sonny felt his vision getting blurry by the pure want he felt for that man.

Self-control was nothing more than a distant memory when he grabbed Rafael by the hips to lift him up from his feed again and place him with too much force onto the windowsill.

“Sorry”, Sonny mumbled against Rafael’s neck where he started to spread kisses along.

“Just roll with it, Sonny.”

“Okay, okay.”

In his uniform Sonny had had no problem to be a little rough. They had somehow set the scene, Sonny had felt secure in his role. But this was so spontaneous that Sonny was afraid to faint only due to his crazily fast raising heartbeat.

The next thing he felt was Rafael pulling his shirt over his head.

Sonny’s body was a battlefield of hickeys, scratches and occasional bite marks that Rafael loved to leave on him. Sonny would have genuinely never thought that he would be into that. But he knew that these gestures were coming from Rafael’s compulsion to be possessive with him.

And Sonny loved the idea to be _his_.

“You want me to blow you?”, Sonny asked while gracelessly stepping out of his pants and underwear, finally letting his own erection spring free. But he couldn't stand the distance between them for too long, so as soon as he had freed himself from his clothes Sonny pushed himself back between Rafael's legs.

“You’re doing so well, cariño.”

Sonny’s eyes shot up to lock with Rafael’s lustful green ones.

He felt how his face burned up first and from there the flush spread all over his body. The flush was accompanied with a wildly tingling feeling.

Rafael smiled dangerously beautiful in response.

He cupped Sonny’s cheeks and pressed a firm kiss onto his lips. “You’re doing so well, cariño”, he repeated and Sonny’s head started to swim. He didn’t know how but somehow Rafael produced the lube out of nowhere.

Rafael handed him the bottle. “Just work me open.”

Sonny heard the blood rushing in his ears. He took a few deep breaths before he accepted the lube.

The image of Rafael standing at that window with his gorgeous ass came back to his mind and Sonny felt the urge to see said ass again, so he jerked his lover around and put a hand in his neck to push him down.

Sonny sent a trail of open mouthed kisses down Rafael’s bare back.

He relished how he made his lover shiver.

Kneeing down, Sonny concentrated on worshipping the gorgeous ass with kisses and little bites while he slowly worked Rafael open.

“I’m ready, cariño“, Rafael finally moaned. He pulled himself away from Sonny’s slick fingers and turned around to face him.

“I want you to fuck me against the window.”

Sonny could only groan in response. His hands were shaking which is why he had trouble to tear open a square of condom and then roll the condom over himself, but he somehow achieved.

Again, he grabbed Rafael hard by the hips. He placed both his hands flat on the windowsill, one on each side of Rafael's ass with Rafael's legs hanging over Sonny's arms. Thereby his lover's hole was welcomingly disposed.

And without any more ado Sonny pushed inside.

Every time Sonny was inside of Rafael, he felt overwhelmed by the feeling. By how hot, how tight Rafael was. And still, he couldn’t believe the beautiful sounds of lust he was able to draw out of his lover.

“You think they can see us from outside?” Sonny asked looking over Rafael’s shoulder out of the window. Seeing nothing more than gray, thin strings of rain.

“Just fuck me.”

So Sonny started thrusting. He had no sense of mind to entertain any kind of technique. He just fucked into Rafael as fast as he could.

In the back of his mind, he realized that he was grabbing Rafael very hard. He held Rafael’s ass up so to find a better angle to fuck into him, but that meant that his ass must be bumping hard into the windowsill with every thrust.

“Yeah, just like that.”

Sonny felt a pearl of sweat rolling over his forehead so he leaned his head against Rafael’s shoulder. The salty smell of Rafael intoxicated him. This man was oozing pure sex.

“Fuck me hard.”

He kissed Rafael’s neck first but soon with the prickle intensifying in his crotch, Sonny started to suck at his lover’s pulse point.

“Yeah, you feel so good.”

It must hurt him.

“Fuck me.”

It would be purple the next day.

“Harder.”

Rafael’s legs wrapped around Sonny’s hips with desperate strength. He felt Rafael's heels pressing into the cheeks of his own ass.

“ _Oh Sonny_!”

Suddenly, Rafael shuttered underneath him. Sonny realized that unnoticed by him Rafael had started touching himself between them.

He kept fucking his lover through his orgasm, watching his stunning face twitch all the while.

Rafael looked _beautiful_ , so fucking beautiful that Sonny didn’t know how he deserved him.

“Don’t stop”, Rafael whispered against Sonny’s lips when he slowed down his thrusts, considering Sonny with a fond smile.

“Keep going. I want to see you come, cariño.”

So Sonny kept fucking him. He was close anyway. He felt his own orgasm form, he felt how the sensations from all over his body slowly concentrated into one certain point.

They rested their foreheads together.

“I want you to come for me, _mi amor_.”

His eyes were locked with Rafael’s when he came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I just had to get this out of my system so this is spontanous, not betaread and pure therapy. Forgive me my mistakes.
> 
> Plus, there is a big hint in this chapter about what the next chapter will be about.
> 
> Thanks to everyone for reading, kudosing or commenting.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny has another kink, and feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My day yesterday was the worst, so here is my therapy.

* * *

Even after six months, Sonny still felt his heartbeat going wild when he was approaching Rafael’s apartment. _It’s just nervousness_ , he told himself.

Only that he didn’t need to feel nervous. He looked good. The only thing out of place was that stupid, goofy smile on his face.

“Hey!” he said when he entered the flat. Immediately he cursed himself. He had long had the plan to come up with something less lame as a greeting.

“Hi”, Rafael said in a throaty voice.

Sonny looked up in surprise to find Rafael leaning against his small kitchen island, gently swinging a glass of golden liquid in his hand.

He was still wearing his dress pants from work that fitted tight enough to show the contours of an area that made Sonny’s mouth water. Rafael had gotten rid of his tie, the first (and for this Sonny sent a very inappropriate curse skywards) three buttons of his rosy dress shirt were open and he wore those pink suspenders with black stripes that Sonny liked on him so much.

On his lips Rafael wore a knowing, crooked smile.

For Sonny this man was simply beauty sent from heaven.

Rafael did not forward any possible conversation, small or otherwise, and he really didn’t have to. Sonny knew him well enough by now to know that Rafael was not going to waste any time tonight. He wanted something from him and Sonny was not kidding himself, Rafael was going to get exactly what he wanted.

Sonny took off his jacket, threw it over the next arm chair because there were no hooks in Rafael’s apartment – a fact that Sonny had found very odd at first, but considering the man’s obsessiveness with his suits, and after getting to know him a little more closely, considering his lack of visitors it had started to make a lot of sense.

Sonny still wished that he would be able to do the whole motion of taking off clothes with a little more grace, a little sexier. A little more like Rafael.

But maybe he didn’t do as bad as he thought, because he could detect a hint of appreciation in Rafael’s glittering eyes.

“How many Scotch did you have?” Sonny asked pointing with his eyes to the glass in the other man’s hands.

Rafael lifted the glass to his lips and took an unnecessary long sip. “It’s the first”, he said finally while he looked away to put the half-empty glass on the kitchen counter.

Sonny didn’t believe him.

No, wrong. He knew Rafael was lying.

The only reason why Sonny had asked was to find a way into the evening, start the conversation with something other than the living hell that was their work. And on dates people tend to drink and given that both of them always drank the same type of alcohol, so this was not a conversation starter, talking about their alcohol level was often a way for Sonny to start their evening. Lame admittedly, but Rafael had never minded.

And Sonny was genuinely not judging.

Rafael crossed his arms in front of his chest.

His strong arms in front of his solid chest.

A prominent vein spread over the back of Rafael’s right hand.

He had rolled up his sleeves.

Sonny was pathetic.

“I have a surprise for you tonight.”

“Huh?”

Sonny tore his gaze away from the sight of Rafael’s bare forearms to look into the man’s eyes. But that was even worse. Rafael’s eyes had the most amazing shade green that Sonny had ever seen. It absolutely did not help that they constantly shimmered in annoyance, arrogance or anger. Three emotions Sonny had never thought he would find sexy.

Now these green eyes were shimmering with want.

Now these green eyes scrutinized him from top to toe.

Now these green eyes told him that they wanted him naked.

And that was enough to make Sonny’s dick twitch.

“I have a surprise for you.”

Sonny tilted his head, already feeling his heartbeat accelerating in an alarming speed.

Rafael smiled amused. He leaned back, placed each one of his hands next to his hips and said: “You're cute.”

Sonny’s heart beat against the inside of his ribcage hardly, nearly painfully. Rafael didn’t say that very often.

“I thought tonight we use something that you like.”

Actually, Rafael had never said that before.

“What?”

Sonny hated himself for how inarticulately he answered, but Rafael’s corner of his mouth lifted up a little more. He squared his shoulders and looked at him expectantly.

“I know what you’d like to use, cariño.”

He had only ever said "cariño" once before. On one occasion. During sex.

“Uh.”

“I know you like the suspenders”, Rafael whispered.

Sonny blushed. He did, but he genuinely didn’t know why.

They had talked about what they were doing, about one and a half months ago. Sonny had brought it up, simply for the sake of his own sanity by which he meant his heart.

“We’re dating, right?”

“Sure”, Rafael had answered easily, but before Sonny’s heart had had enough time to jump, he had added: “But there's nothing more than that.”

Sonny’s thoughts had started to race, leaving his throat tight and his tongue still.

“Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy this. Very much.”

Sonny had nodded and maybe even said: “Me too.”

“But there won’t be any disclosures. And surely no Staten Island Sunday dinners.”

“Okay.”

“I like you, Sonny. I really do. We might have gone into this dick first, but we need to use our heads a little. Our dates are nice, the sex is surprisingly good. But this isn't going anywhere.”

And then he had called him _mi amor_.

And Sonny wished for nothing more than this man to be his.

“What do you want to do with them?”

A blush was spreading over his whole body, Sonny felt it, and along it brought a prickling feeling on his skin.

Sonny swallowed hard.

“Uh?"

He genuinely didn’t know.

“What do you want to do to me?”

Sonny still stood there in the middle of Rafael’s apartment, a few feet away from the man and he was sure that his jeans were tented. Sonny felt nervousness creeping up his chest, afraid that his insecurity was going to ruin the moment.

“Come here.”

Rafael was still only whispering.

Nearly dripping over his own feet Sonny approached Rafael. It took him only a few steps and he stood in front of him.

Sonny immediately noticed that Rafael looked extremely tired. There were big bags under his eyes and deep furrows around them.

“Do you want to have me?”

Rafael’s eyes were shimmering, but heavy lidded. He didn’t touch Sonny, just stared at his mouth.

“Yes.” Sonny nodded eagerly. “Of course.”

“Say it.”

Sonny could smell the Scotch on Rafael’s breath.

“I want you, Rafael.”

Rafael smiled, small and somewhat drained.

He put a hand onto Sonny’s arm and let it wander up to his biceps.

For some reason Sonny felt like he had to reassure him: “I want you so much.”

The touch made Sonny shiver.

“So much.”

Rafael tiptoed to reach for Sonny’s lips. He brushed them gently with his own. Sonny stood still and just relished the feeling of his own body thrumming in anticipation.

“You can have me in whatever way you want. Just make me feel good.”

Rafael’s hand stroke down his arm again to reach for Sonny’s hand.

“So tell me. What do you want to do?”

Rafael led Sonny’s hand up to his chest and placed it right on the suspenders.

Sonny felt his cheeks burning up.

He genuinely didn’t know.

Obviously, there were a lot of things to do with suspenders. It was not like Sonny didn’t have any imagination, but he genuinely didn’t know if he was into any of it. As much as Sonny loved their sexual experiments, he usually let himself be led by Rafael. So now, so blatantly asked, Sonny felt himself caught a little off-guard.

Sonny wrapped his hand around the suspender and pulled a little. The silk textile felt soft underneath his fingers. He admired the look of them on Barba’s broad chest while he stroke his hand up and down.

Just when his hand was right above the other man’s heart Rafael covered Sonny’s hand with his.

“Just fuck me hard, Sonny. Make me feel good. I know you can do it. Just take me, do whatever you want with me.”

Sonny felt his excitement trembling in his chest. His crotch prickled mercilessly and his dick seemed to squirm in anticipation.

Sonny was sure that he was simply staring at Rafael with big eyes.

“Come.”

Rafael held onto Sonny’s hand when he moved away and dragged him into the bedroom.

The lamp on the bedside table was already turned on, setting the small bedroom in a dim light. As if Rafael had prepared the moment beforehand.

“Get undressed”, Rafael told Sonny while he was already unhinging the suspenders.

Rafael continued to very slowly, but very gracefully undress himself until he stood naked in front of Sonny. The pink suspenders were wrapped around his knuckles.

Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“Why aren’t you naked yet? Are you… Oh!”

Sonny had smacked him in the face.

“Just shut the fuck up.”

He had just given into an impulse. He had needed him to stop talking. Sonny was nervous enough as it was without Rafael constantly sassing around.

Rafael looked back at him, touching his cheek lightly. Sonny could see his left cheek slightly reddening and instantly feared that he had went too far with his impulse, but then he noticed how the wrinkles in Rafael’s face had smoothed a little.

“On the bed”, Sonny panted while he quickly stripped off his own clothes. (Without any grace at all of course.)

Rafael, obeying without any retort, sat down in the middle of the bed.

The adrenaline rushed through Sonny’s veins with such an intensity and force that it nearly hurt. Instinctively Sonny clenched onto this feeling.

“Which position do you want?”

Sonny could swear he blushed again, simply for liking missionary the most. He liked to kiss Rafael during sex, liked to watch him when he came. He liked the feel of Rafael’s heels in the back of his thighs and Rafael's arms around his shoulders.

He liked it when Rafael started panting into his ear, all the sounds that Sonny was able to draw from him. And he liked when Rafael’s dirty talk slowly shifted into a babbling mess. He liked to hear Rafael moan his name.

“Just lie down.”

Sonny pushed him rather harshly onto the bed and placed himself firmly into Rafael’s lap, his thighs pressing to each side of the other man’s hips. Rafael hissed at the feel of their half-hard dicks touching, but Sonny decided to ignore it. He knew Rafael liked to see how attracted Sonny was to Rafael and Sonny liked denying him to show that pleasure.

He took the suspenders out of Rafael’s hands and then pinned them over his head.

“Hold onto the headboard.”

Rafael hummed enthusiastically over the display of strength.

Just as he was told, Rafael wrapped his hands around the headboard.

Breathing heavily he watched Sonny tying the suspenders around his wrists. Sonny’s heart was pumping in his chest like crazy and he hoped that Rafael wouldn’t see his shaking hands.

Sonny tried to bring back the memory of the feel of his uniform on his skin, tried to remember the confidence it gave him. The thrill that he had felt humming through his body when he had managed to make Rafael beg for him.

With a jerky movement he tightened the suspenders determinedly.

Rafael groaned.

Sonny looked at his lover, his green eyes although darkened by lust suddenly seemed much brighter than before. His full red lips were parted, but slightly trembling in anticipation.

Sonny leaned down to peck Rafael on the lips.

“Okay?”

A crooked, but very warm smile appeared on Rafael's lips. The kind of smile that Sonny would die for. Rafael nodded and held his head up to kiss him again, but Sonny pulled away.

Rafael let out a muffled sound in protest, but the suspenders held him back from reaching for Sonny.

Sonny sat back on his heels, pushed Rafael’s legs apart and positioned himself between Rafael's thighs.

“Look at you”, Sonny said in awe.

He still couldn’t believe how beautiful this man was. Not just that Sonny found his body incredible sexy. But just the look of him, spread out in front of Sonny, fully naked and chained by pink suspenders.

“You’re so fucking hot.”

And Sonny decided to worship him. Rafael deserved a reward, Sonny decided, for being so fucking gorgeous even though he was tied with his own pink suspenders to his own bed.

He started with Rafael’s collarbones that he traced with the top of his tongue.

Rafael threw his head back and hissed.

Then Sonny kissed slowly down to his nipples, a very sensitive area on Rafael’s body. And Sonny decided to be merciless. He started with twirling the tip of his tongue lightly around the erected nipples, before he used the flat of his tongue to lick over his chest.

And then he used his teeth. And bit lightly into the flesh.

Rafael squirmed under him.

“Fuck!”

Sonny got goosebumps.

He felt Rafael’s erection against his stomach, felt the damp of precum. It sent a shiver down Sonny’s spine simply knowing that his lips on his lover’s skin were enough to arouse Rafael this much.

“Come on, Sonny.”

Sonny lifted his head to shoot him a stern look.

“Shut up and let me do this to you.”

And with that he started kissing down his stomach, down his happy trail, but stopped just above his cubic bone.

Instead, Sonny spent an incredible amount of time simply kissing and licking Rafael’s belly.

Sonny felt his own arousal growing in his crotch when he realized how he was driving Rafael slowly mad. The iron headboard rattled when Rafael was twisting his body. Rafael rolled up his hips, the suggestion obvious, but Sonny was going to make him follow his speed.

So Sonny gripped him hard by the hips, maybe there would be bruises the next day, and pushed them down firmly.

“Cariño.”

Sonny stopped short. He knew what Rafael was doing. He knew that Rafael knew how to get him, but Sonny was determined to not let Rafael get his way. Not tonight.

So Sonny placed open mouth kisses onto Rafael’s crotch, but around his pulsating erection, pointedly ignoring the man’s aching dick and started caressing the inside of his thighs instead.

Rafael groaned.

“Come on, cariño, suck my cock. I know you want… Oh!”

Sonny bit into the inside of Rafael’s thigh, not very hard but aware that the skin there was very sensitive so the spot would be purple tomorrow.

Rafael sucked in some hot air.

Sonny lifted himself up again, hovered over the other man and rested his elbows next to Rafael’s shoulders.

Rafael’s pupils were blown wide and Sonny felt the blood pumping through his veins.

“I’m gonna do to you whatever I want.”

His voice was in stark contrast to the frenzy energy he felt rushing through his body. Sonny tried to keep his expressions stern knowing very well how it was driving Rafael crazy to not see how aroused Sonny was.

When Sonny lowered his head Rafael tried immediately to reach his lips. So Sonny pulled his head away, not allowing Rafael that pleasure.

Sonny shook his head lightly.

Rafael rattled at the suspenders, but Sonny ignored his efforts. He approached his lips but only pressed a kiss next to Rafael’s mouth. Rafael nestled his nose into Sonny’s cheeks, but the plea died on his lips when Sonny started kissing along Rafael’s jawline.

Sonny buried his nose into the crook of Rafael’s neck and took in the smell of his lover. He smelled sweaty, salty, like pure sex.

“You’re such a hot piece of shit.”

He smelled _dirty,_ not clean like usually at work.

“I’m gonna fuck you until you can’t think anymore.”

Rafael only smelled like this when he was with Sonny.

“And you’re all mine.”

And with this Sonny sucked at Rafael’s neck. Rafael’s body immediately started to protest, arching up, but the suspenders restraint him and Sonny shifted his body weight onto him so that Rafael couldn’t move.

“Sonny! It’s gonna get purple.”

Sonny looked up and raised an eyebrow. “And what about it?”

“I don’t want a hickey.”

Sonny grinned.

“But you want my dick?”

He didn’t wait for an answer. He knew the answer. And he didn’t need to look at Rafael to know how irritated he was by him not waiting for an answer.

Sonny had to smirk. Maybe he was being cruel.

“Yes.”

Rafael’s voice was merely a whisper.

Sonny leaned over Rafael and reached for the lube and condoms in the drawer of the bedside table.

With the items in his hand he casually looked back to Rafael.

“Oh, did you say something? I couldn’t hear you.”

Sonny applied some lube on his fingers.

“I said yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Yes, you do what?”

Rafael lifted his chin up.

Sonny rubbed the lube between his fingers and waited.

“I want your dick.”

Sonny positioned himself between Rafael’s thighs, he pushed his lover’s legs back so that Rafael’s entrance was fully exposed.

Sonny only hummed in response. Lazily. Still not touching Rafael’s hole.

“I want you.”

Sonny only looked at him, but he did him the favor of finally pushing a finger inside.

Rafael’s wrinkles on his forehead flattened when he closed his eyes in pleasure. A content sigh left his lips.

“I want you, Sonny, cariño, I want you.”

Rafael pulled at the suspenders around his wrists when he pushed back onto Sonny’s finger. Sweat beads started to form on his lover’s forehead.

“Say it again.”

“I want you. I want you so much. Only you.”

Sonny lazily moved his finger inside of Rafael. He detected that his lover’s lips were trembling. Rafael had his eyes squeezed shut and Sonny could only assume that the fingers were not nearly enough for him.

“I swear, only you.”

Sonny worked Rafael loose rather unceremoniously and quickly.

He had wanted to tease Rafael more, push him more to the edge, maybe stick his dick into his mouth, but Rafael’s words went straight to Sonny’s dick that was painfully hard.

“And why is that?” Sonny asked nonchalantly when he was pulling a condom over himself, dripping a generous amount of lube on it.

“'Cause you fuck me so good.”

Sonny placed himself in front of Rafael’s entrance, but deliberately waited for his lover to keep talking.

Rafael arched his hips up as if he was trying desperately to reach Sonny’s dick.

Sonny hummed approvingly. The way Rafael moved, his whole body wanting him, it made Sonny’s head spin.

“No one can fuck me so good, Sonny. Please, I want you inside.”

Without any more premonition Sonny pushed inside him in one smooth motion.

He watched Rafael’s eyelashes fluttering when the pleasure rushed warmly over his face.

“Oh god, you’re so big.”

Rafael felt immensely hot, immensely tight around him. As good as he could considering that he was chained to his bed, Rafael rolled up his hips. Trying to fuck himself onto Sonny.

The feeling of Rafael moving on his dick sent a wave of heat through Sonny’s lower stomach.

Sonny closed his eyes for a moment, he was closer to his orgasm than he had thought.

As calmly as he could Sonny lowered himself over Rafael, their faces close because he wanted to watch Rafael’s expression.

And then he started to fuck into him, hard and with a fast rhythm.

“You’re so hot, Rafi. You’re hot as fuck. You’re driving me crazy.”

Sweat poured out of every pore of Sonny’s body.

Rafael wrapped his legs as tightly as he could around Sonny’s hips, his heels pushing into the meat of Sonny’s ass. Sonny knew that Rafael wanted nothing more than press his nails into the skin of Sonny’s back. But tonight he wouldn’t get that.

“And you’re so filthy with your pink suspenders.”

This was when Rafael stiffened his legs around Sonny’s waist even tighter. Trying to pull them together as close as possible. He arched his hips up to let Sonny slide inside as deep as possible.

“You’re all mine.”

Sonny locked eyes with Rafael. The tension had now completely dissappeared out of his lover’s face, it was replaced by pure desire. Rafael didn’t say a word, his eyes made the pleading for him.

“Say my name.”

“Sonny”, Rafael huffed immediately.

A drop of sweat curled around a loosened strain of Sonny’s hair and fell onto Rafael’s forehead.

“You’re such a slut, Rafael. You just want me to fuck you hard, deep and hard.”

Rafael pulled at the suspenders again, his breath transforming into a fast staccato.

“You gonna come untouched.”

Rafael whimpered.

This was the moment that Sonny realized that he was totally in control over Rafael’s body. By now, Rafael would usually grab and scratch and bite. He would make Sonny jerk off his dick in the same rhythm with his thrusts.

But tonight it was all up to Sonny.

“Kiss me, please.”

Sonny’s whole skin was tingling. Everything was hot and the look on Rafael’s face was simply amazing. These green eyes had their whole attention focused on him, in a carnal plea.

Sonny also wouldn’t last much longer.

He lifted himself up and grabbed Rafael by the hips, cautiously lifting him into his lap.

“I need to come, Sonny.”

Sonny was now in the right position to mercilessly fuck into him.

“Say my name again.”

“Sonny.”

So Sonny fucked into him, hard and fast.

“Oh Sonny, yes. Fuck.”

Sonny’s vision started to blur when he felt his own orgasm building up.

“Sonny. Please, make me come.”

Sonny loved that he was able to make Rafael come without touching him.

“I’m yours. I am!”

Sonny accelerated his thrusts, not caring if he was pushing inside too vigorously.

“ _Mi amor_.”

And then Rafael groaned and streaks of white cum spread all over his stomach.

The sight of it made Sonny come. His orgasm rolled through his body with an incredible force. He pushed deep into Rafael to wring out every drop.

And then there were only their heavy breaths left in the silence of the room.

“Oh my god.” Sonny finally spoke. “I cannot believe this.”

He felt somewhat boneless, but nevertheless he pulled out and was quick to free Rafael from his suspenders.

“You can never wear these again at work. I’m serious, Rafi, I’m gonna have to walk around with a boner all day.”

Rafael had his eyes closed. His face looked fully relaxed. A fond smile lay on his lips.

Sonny took Rafael’s hands between his and eyed them carefully. He felt a short flash of shame in his chest when he realized that there would be light bruises.

Rafael had trusted him this much.

The thrill, the orgasm, Sonny didn’t know what it was, but his heart was still beating hardly against his rips.

Sonny spread gentle kisses over Rafael’s wrists, with them sending whispers of soft apologies.

“Leave them and come here.”

“You’re full of come.”

“And don’t you love that.”

Sonny chuckled and took some wet wipes out of the drawer to clean up the mess on Rafael’s stomach anyway.

“That was awesome, Rafi.”

Sonny took off the condom and placed it inside of the used wet wipes. He put them on the bedside table to throw away later.

“You okay?”

It was only now that Rafael opened his eyes.

“Me?”

“Yeah. I actually have never done that before. I mean, I hope, I didn’t let myself go too far.”

Rafael smiled warmly at him. He had a fond shimmer in his eyes. And he just looked _peaceful._

“You were perfect.”

Sonny smiled back sheepishly, he felt weirdly proud of himself.

He lay down next to Rafael and pulled him onto his chest.

Rafael melted into the embrace, he threw his legs over Sonny’s long limbs and nestled his nose into Sonny’s scarce chest hair.

“Are you okay?”

“How many times do you want to ask me this question?”

“I don’t mean the sex.” Sonny absentmindedly started stroking with his thumb over Rafael’s skin. “You looked so tired. Did something happened at work?”

“Ugh.” Rafael buried his face in Sonny’s neck. “Seriously, Sonny? Why would you bring that up?” Rafael’s nose seemed to be pressed against Sonny’s collarbone, because his voice had a distinct nasal tone. “I feel so good, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Sonny thought about Rafael’s dismissive answer for a while. It would be stupid to say that he was disappointed because that was what Rafael always did. He never talked about his problems. And Sonny knew better than to push him.

But yes, Sonny was saddened by that.

Instinctively, Sonny held him a little tighter.

“Did you ever do that before?”

It took a few moments for Rafael to answer. “Not… to that extend.”

Sonny wished he could see Rafael’s face right now, but as his lover seemed so comfortable with his head pillowed on Sonny’s chest, he didn’t dare to destroy the moment. When Rafael didn’t elaborate, he finally asked.

“What do you mean?”

Rafael let out a deep, heartfelt sigh. And again, Sonny couldn’t tell from where this sigh had originated. Annoyance? Indignation? Or maybe even timidity?

“I mean that I trust you”, Rafael finally mumbled into Sonny’s chest.

Sonny didn’t dare to ask further and he only hoped that his racing heartbeat didn’t give himself away to the man lying on his chest.

“I think there's ice cream in the freezer if you want to have desert.”

“Sonny, I'm about to doze off.”

“Oh.”

Sonny tried to turn his head, but who was he kidding. They lived in an era where people didn’t need physical clocks on their bedside tables anymore. He quickly calculated in his head.

“I think it's not even ten o’clock.”

“Mmm.”

“Did you even have dinner?”

“You can wake me up in half an hour.”

“Okay, then let me cook…”

“Sonny.”

“Yeah?”

Rafael pushed himself a little bit more into Sonny’s body and buried his face in Sonny’s neck before he finally whispered.

“Just hold me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, this chapter is so long. I'm not sure if it is still porn without plot. I hope you guys enjoy, please be generous with kudos and comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh Rafael, you really think I need my uniform or the suspenders to make you do what I tell you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soul_writerr and I both had the idea to make [this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17865161) the fifth chapter, but this little story of them making out (which is supposed to lead to smut I guess) had a different mood, so I posted it seperately. Check it out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17865161)!
> 
> Originally I planned to make this the last chapter, but apparently I don't want to let it go, so my brain went behind my back and came up with this. Let me know what you think!
> 
> I was very influenced by a Twitter conversation where Jess said that in this one deleted Barisi scene, Rafael looks like he wants to find a real reason for Sonny to say "Oh Rafael".

* * *

 “I told you not to wear those at work, couldn’t get you outta my head all day!”

Carisi had his nose nestled up to the back of Barba’s neck, giggling against the soft hair there. Happily, he pressed his body against Barba’s in an all too seductive manner. Between two fingers, he felt along the fabric of Barba’s pink suspenders.

It was Friday evening. They had met up in Barba’s apartment half an hour ago. But instead of letting Carisi cook dinner which had been the pretext of asking the detective to come back to his place, Barba had instead lain down on his king size bed and was now pretending to plan to nap.

Carisi who just like Barba had a sixty hour work week under his belt seemed to believe Barba’s act because he put quite some effort into convincing him not to sleep.

“Since when do I care what you tell me?”

“Oh, in bed you do very much.”

Barba did not appreciate the pleased laugh Carisi let out. But on the other hand, Barba had to admit that by now he had started taking pleasure in letting Carisi be in control. At least in bed.

Sex had never been that good.

“Hence I’m wearing the pink suspenders?”

“He says while pretending to nap.”

Barba rolled his eyes, unseen by Carisi who was lying behind him. Carisi had his forehead placed between Barba’s shoulder blades and watched his hand stroking along the pink suspenders.

“I’m going to nap. You’re going to be patient.”

“You don’t really think I’ll wait when you’re that fucking gorgeous.”

Barba grinned rather pleased when Carisi pulled back the waistband of his pants to get a glimpse of his ass. Nevertheless, rather pointedly Barba laid a flat hand between the pillow and his face.

As if that gesture was stopping Carisi whose fingers now ran along the waistband stopping only to start fumbling with Barba’s fly.

“You’re going to wait, Carisi.”

“Rafi, you can’t do that to me.”

Blatantly, Carisi pressed his hard erection against the soft meat of Barba’s ass. Even through the fabrics of their pants, Barba felt that Carisi was what you can only call extremely horny. He had even already managed the miraculous task of opening the button of Barba’s pants and undoing his zipper with only two fingers.

“If you want some dick action, you’ll have to wait.”

“Your dick can’t resist me.”

“You're the one turned on by the suspenders not me.”

Carisi tried to prove him wrong by grinding his hips against Barba which of course, none of them was kidding anyone, didn’t go unnoticed by Barba’s cock.

Carisi’s breath heavy from arousal tingled hotly against Barba’s ear when he whispered: “I know you want me.”

Alright, obviously Carisi had seen through his ruse. Surely, Barba was not seriously planning to have a nap, it was all part of his scheme to turn Carisi on and drive him crazy by making him believe to let him wait. That didn’t mean though that Barba actually _could_ sleep, if that would serve some greater purpose.

“Very confident, congratulations, that’s great, but would you stop undressing me now? I’m trying to sleep, thank you.”

“You won’t sleep, you’ll let me fuck you.”

“Maybe later.”

“Oh Rafael, you really think I need my uniform or the suspenders to make you do what I tell you?”

Barba’s eyes shot open.

Carisi was kissing his neck while he tried to unbutton his shirt one handed and rubbing his erection against Barba’s ass at the same time.

And Barba didn’t object.

Carisi couldn’t know that he had just spoken out Barba’s biggest fear. Maybe it was not the fear itself that Barba dreaded, but the worry that lay within. The worry that swirled around the arousal that Carisi in his uniform or with his own suspenders had so impressively elicited from him. The arousal that had made Barba give himself totally into Carisi’s hands.

“So now you’re just gonna keep your pretty mouth shut.”

Carisi swirled him around so that Barba was lying on his back. Apparently, Carisi had become impatient. With quick fingers he worked the buttons of Barba’s dress shirt open.

“We’re not gonna need those suspenders today”, Carisi said when he pealed Barba out of his clothes with confident gestures.

He knew what the wanted, his intense expression and clever fingers left no doubt.

And to Barba’s utter surprise, he let him. Without protesting. He didn’t even move expect for lifting his hips or upper body to help his lover remove his clothes.

“You gonna use that pretty mouth for some filth.”

Carisi got up and undressed himself, without putting on any show. Nevertheless, as Carisi was a strikingly attractive man, watching him slowly revealing naked skin inch by inch was in itself a stunning view.

Barba felt somewhat paralyzed. A knot in his throat forbade him to speak. So all he did was watch Carisi stripping each item of clothes off himself without any hurry, until he was naked safe for the crooked smirk on his face. As if Carisi knew exactly what effect his naked body had on Barba.

And what did Barba want to say, really? _What you said there, it's all true. I trust you._

Carisi climbed on the bed and settled himself on top of Barba.

Skin on skin with the comforting weight of Carisi on him, Barba felt weirdly comfortable trapped their under the body of this tall man with seemingly endless limbs.

Rather unceremoniously Carisi pressed his lips on Barba’s, engaging him in a rather suggestive kiss. Carisi’s tongue invaded Barba’s mouth, moving in and out assertively.

Eventually, Carisi broke the kiss to clench his fingers around Barba’s jaw, a little too tight.

Locking eyes with him, he said with a hoarse voice: “You should know better by now.”

And Barba answered in a heartbeat: “I want you.”

It was like a compulsion. It was less like he wanted this man, but more like he needed him.

He wanted or better needed Carisi to fill him up in order to make him feel complete. So instinctively Barba threw his arms around Carisi’s neck and wrapped his legs around Carisi’s hips.

But Carisi only smirked.

“First, we’re gonna put your filthy mouth to use.”

Barba felt cold the moment that Carisi pushed himself from the sheets and sat up on his heels. He pushed his knees underneath Barba’s armpits, both thighs placed next to Barba's chest. His dick was already impressively hard.

To Barba’s utter disbelief, he just relaxed and let it happen.

He opened his mouth and closed his lips around Carisi’s dick. He started bopping his head forward and back. It didn’t take long, until Barba could feel the salty taste of precum on his tongue.

Carisi moaned beautifully - Barba still couldn’t believe the sheer pleasure he felt by his lover’s pleasure - and pushed his hips forward.

“Relax”, he ordered with his hands enclosing around Barba’s jaw.

And Barba just did as he was told. He relaxed his throat and took Carisi’s impressive length in fully. And Carisi was merciless, he pushed inside until Barba saw little red dots in his vision. It was only then that Carisi pulled out, inducing an obscene sound. Spit was dripping from his cock and out of Barba’s mouth.

The mess was a pure thrill.

It was also a pure thrill that his breath was cut off by Carisi’s prick. It was a pure thrill to let his lover decide how long his dick would stay in his throat. But nevertheless Barba noticed in the back of his mind that Carisi usually didn’t push so far. He had never been this reckless, so seemingly thoughtless before.

“Oh Rafael, you slut!”

Carisi only repeated the motion four or five times. Barba guessed that his lover was probably too close to his orgasm and stopped before this would end too early.

So Carisi leaned down to cup Barba’s face.

“You’re so full of filth, Raf. I love when you shut up your damn mouth and swallow my cock instead. As you did so good, I may listen to what you want.”

Barba should be ashamed. If it wasn’t for Carisi having already pushed him into that corner of his mind where he just wasn’t. So he answered too fast, too eagerly and most notably too pleadingly.

“I want you to fuck me.”

Carisi only raised a brow.

“Fuck me, Sonny, fuck me.”

Carisi didn’t move an inch and there was something in the strength that was oozing from him that made Barba believe that Carisi was seriously considering not to give him what he wanted. And that thought just made Barba panic slightly.

“Fuck me, come on. I know you want it, too.”

And to Barba’s shock, Carisi chuckled. As if Barba was telling a fucking joke! It made him kind of furious.

“You know you’re the best I ever had. No one fucks me like you do. Come on, Sonny.”

The sparkle in Carisi’s deep blue eyes told Barba that he had found the right tone.

“You’re so good for me.”

And indeed, Carisi reached for the drawer of the bedside table and took out the supplies.

Barba’s heart started pounding madly in anticipation. Sucking off Carisi’s beautiful cock had made him more than hard. So he put his feet flat on the mattress, thereby giving Carisi better access to his ass.

“Look at you.”

Carisi smirked while he put some lube on his fingers.

“You’re so eager, Raf.”

Carisi leaned forward, his face only inches away from Barba who was hungrily licking his lips.

“That’s a good look on you.”

Involuntarily Barba lifted up his hips to encourage Carisi to hurry along.

“Now you listen to me closely.”

Barba nodded, again a little too enthusiastically, but the dangerous undertone in Carisi’s low voice gave him no choice.

“You gonna do what I tell you.”

Carisi’s deep voice and his rattling accent were so incredibly sexy in that moment that the words shot directly into Barba's dick. But all that excitement was nothing against the sudden feeling of two slick fingers pushing into him.

“You’re going say _my_ name when I fuck you.”

Barba had his eyes wide open, the moans died on his lips while he did the nearly impossible task of concentrating on the teasing fingers inside of him as well as to what his lover was telling him.

“And when you come, you gonna scream it.” Carisi added a third finger. “Alright?”

Barba could barely nod before Carisi jerked him around.

“On all four.”

While Barba got into position, he heard Carisi opening a square of condoms.

It wasn’t long before Carisi entered him in one smooth motion.

And Barba let out a heartfelt groan.

“Yeah, _that’s it_.”

That was all he had wanted, to be filled up by this gorgeous dick.

But to Barba’s disenchantment Carisi only moved lazily inside of him, so Barba pushed back to fuck himself on Carisi’s dick.

A smacking sound echoed through the bedroom when Carisi slapped Barba across the cheek of his ass.

“That’s right, work for it.”

Barba moaned, Carisi inside of him felt so fucking good.

“You’re better at this.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, you’re so fucking good at this… ah!”

Carisi had gripped him hard by the hips and started thrusting into him vehemently. He set a fast pace and angled to hit Barba’s prostate mercilessly.

Barba already thought the warm tickling feeling in his crotch would overpower him, before Carisi suddenly stopped.

“No!”

Carisi pulled out.

“No, come back. Fuck me!”

Carisi smacked Barba’s ass again. “Don’t tell me what to do.” And he leaned forward to firmly bite into Barba’s ass. “You’re so fucking hot, Raf, I love your ass so much.”

Rather harshly Carisi turned Barba around and pushed his back into the sheets.

“What did I tell you to do?”

Carisi pushed Barba’s legs back to enter him again without any pretext.

“Sonny!”

It was more a sigh or a plea than an actual moan of passion.

Barba was simply afraid that Carisi would stop again.

But Carisi, again, thrusted inside of him with a fast pace.

“You feel so good, Sonny.”

It took him the last power of his mind to pant the words that Carisi expected to hear.

Barba buried a hand in Carisi’s hair while the other one held onto his neck. When Carisi readjusted his position to be able to hit Barba’s prostate, Barba wrapped his legs firmly around Carisi’s waste.

“Yeah, fuck me deep. And hard.”

And again, Carisi pushed him to the edge, but not over it.

Barba by now was covered in sweat, his whole body aching to feel the relief, but Carisi stopped just when his breathing pitchpoled.

“Sonny, keep going!” But Carisi just displayed that cruel, crooked smile. “I swear, you’re the best, Sonny, please I need to come.”

But Carisi pulled out.

And Barba winced. “Sonny, please, I only want you.”

“Of course you do.”

Carisi turned him around to lay on his side and placed himself behind him so that they were laying the way they had begun their evening.

“You’re so fucking gorgeous and you’re all mine.”

Carisi was kissing along Barba’s shoulders and neck, seemingly getting lost in Barba.

“I love your body, Rafael.” He buried his nose in the crook of Barba’s neck and took a deep smell. “You smell so good!” And into his ear, Carisi huffed: “Raf, tell me you want me.”

“I want you, cariño, only you. Please, make me come.”

“Let’s see”, Carisi said when he pushed inside of him again.

The position was intimate in a way that Barba hadn’t expected. Carisi pressed his whole body to the back of Barba’s body. Sweat beads were evolving between their naked skins pressed together. Carisi apparently couldn’t get enough of pressing kisses against his neck and Barba threw his head back so to give him better access. A hand of Carisi was placed gently on Barba’s hip.

And Barba felt like he was in heaven.

“Yes, Sonny. Fuck! That’s so good.”

They moved beautifully together in sync. Barba’s lips started to tremble along with his body. Carisi’s accelerating breath only turned him on more. His neglected cock however pulsated painfully between his legs.

So Barba reached for it, but Carisi caught him by the wrist and held it in a firm grip.

“You know I’m not allowing this.”

Barba winced.

He had understood by now that Carisi felt his chest swell with pride from the sexual prowess of being able to make him come untouched, just by fucking him thoroughly in the ass. Barba felt a little annoyed by this to be honest. _Yes,_ Carisi was without a doubt amazing in bed and it was not at all hard for Barba to give him the reassurance that he was the best he ever had, because Carisi genuinely was. Nevertheless, Carisi pushed Barba’s pleasure so far, it would only take a few strokes to comfortably push him over the edge. Not being able to do that made Barba feel like a fish out of water.

“Sonny, I need to come.”

The biggest problem was that in this position the angle was not quite right. Barba felt like fire burning under his skin, but despite everything Carisi didn’t hit his prostate. So it felt like he would come any second while he actually couldn’t.

“Sonny!”

Moreover, Carisi fucked him in a painfully slow pace. A complete contrast to the earlier frenzy thrusts.

“I’m all yours, Sonny. Please, make me feel good like only you can.”

Barba closed his eyes and solely concentrated on Carisi’s dick in his ass. On the warm feeling that spread in his crotch.

“Yes!”

Carisi let go off his wrist and held onto Barba’s shoulder so to be able to push deeper into him.

“Sonny, fuck!”

And again, like so many times before Barba felt like sex couldn’t get any better.

“Touch me.”

Carisi repositioned himself so that Barba’s ass fitted more perfectly into his lover’s crotch.

“Sonny, please.”

If only Carisi would touch him.

“I need to come, I can’t take it anymore.”

And there it was. With one heavenly thrust Carisi hit the magic spot.

“I love you.”

Carisi hesitated before he kept on fucking him.

And Barba couldn’t feel the panic, because his whole body was burning up from the sensation of his developing orgasm. It needed only a few thrust before Barba came. Hard, splashing his cum all over his expensive sheets.

And few moments later he heard Carisi groan against his neck.

Barba felt Carisi filling the barrier between them.

For a few moments, they just kept lying in their position, both breathing heavily while they came down from their orgasms. Their legs were entangled and Carisi wrapped an arm around Barba’s chest to pull him close.

Barba was happy that he didn’t need to look Carisi in the eyes.

Carisi’s cock softened, so he finally pulled out.

Carisi reached behind himself to get a couple of wet wipes. He first cleaned up Barba who wasn’t moving an inch and then made a few unnecessary attempts to clean away the worst of Barba’s cum on the sheets. As if that was of any importance. 

When Carisi turned back to the bedside table to place the wet wipes and the used condom on it, Barba also turned around to lie on his back.

Somehow, Barba couldn’t even stand staring at the ceiling so he covered his eyes with one hand.

He knew that Carisi lying next to him was watching him closely.

Barba suddenly felt his chest tightened as there was something he needed to shield himself from. His throat felt dry so he swallowed, but the knot in his throat wouldn’t disappear.

And suddenly Barba knew what all this was.

He was scared shitless.

“Would you say it again?”

Barba swallowed one more time, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to answer. First, because he really didn’t want to. All he wanted was to pretend like this had never happened.

And second, he was afraid to hurt Carisi with the truth.

“Rafi?”

Long fingers embraced Barba’s wrist. This time the grip of Carisi’s hand was not firm, but instead warm and soft, but not any less insistent. He pulled the hand away from Barba’s eyes.

Barba didn’t protest, but he kept his eyes fixed ahead of him. He feared looking into this blue eyes he loved so much.

“Because I love you, too.”

A warm feeling washed over Barba and for one short second, he thought everything was going to be okay. He even managed to turn his head and look at Carisi.

Sonny. His lover. He looked back at him with impossibly soft, wide eyes. With an open heart and a fond expression.

Carisi even smiled at him tenderly.

And Barba felt like his heart would break.

“Just leave it, Sonny. This is not good.”

“Why not?”

“Because this isn’t going anywhere. It’s only gonna end in pain.”

“It doesn’t have to…”

“But it will.”

Barba had tried to make his voice sound as affirmative as possible. To him it sounded all broken. But apparently, he had achieved because Carisi didn’t reply that he thought that Barba was wrong.

“Just say it again, Rafi.”

_And everything will be alright?_

Barba shook his head.

He blinked to stop that stinging feeling behind his eyes. He looked back to the ceiling. These blue eyes, he wouldn’t be able to stand to see them hurt.

“Do you want me to go?”

Barba swallowed.

He should.

Just besides the fact that they were working together and after all, for twenty one years his work had been the most important thing in Barba’s life. Just besides the fact that their relationship would seriously malign their work, their thing _was really not going anywhere_. No matter how they felt, they wanted different things from life.

And now they had finally reached the point where they couldn’t shut their eyes to the fact anymore.

He really should want him to go.

“No.”

And again, like so many times before, Barba was extremely grateful for Carisi being the way he was.

Because Carisi approached him slowly, he placed an arm across his chest and bumped his nose into Barba’s cheek.

And he said nothing.

“What are you going to prepare for dinner?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not because this story hit 100 kudos or because people were randomly praising it on Twitter (thank you so much, Jess), but because I had a blockage in my head and I'm so glad to have written something coherent, I decided to update this story instead of other more urgent matters.
> 
> Follow me on Twitter or Tumblr or both (@mforpaul) and thank you for reading. Feel free to prompt me.
> 
> You guys know this is my feel-bad fic, so please give me a boost and leave a comment and give kudos. This would literally make my day! And don't forget to check out this story [Making out](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17865161).
> 
>  
> 
> .


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're trying to deal with their feelings!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again, my therapy.

* * *

It took Sonny three weeks to finally knock on Rafael's door again.

Sonny knew that the last thing he should do was to push Rafael. That would be the surest way to end this. Needless to say that this was the only thing that Sonny didn't want to not do. He didn't want to lose Rafael, quite frankly was incredibly afraid of it. Still, he _needed_ to give Rafael his time if he really wanted him to come around.

This was why he kept telling himself that Rafael was not doing this on purpose. For three whole weeks since that evening Rafael had ignored him while not breaking up with him.

At work they were interacting the way they always had. To be fair, that had been their way to go for the past seven months since they had started their thing. Whatever their thing had been. Clearly, Sonny had been on a different page there than Rafael. Or should he better say, he had simply avoided the problem while Rafael had chosen to ignore it.

Outside of work Rafael didn't call and, if at all, only answered scarcely to Sonny's contact advances. But at the same time, he didn't call it off.

It had taken Sonny a few bursts of tears until he had managed to convince himself that this was a good thing. It meant that Rafael didn't want things to end. It _had_ to mean that.

So no, Sonny knew that Rafael didn't do this on purpose. He didn't ignore him because he wanted to get rid of him. Rafael didn't know what to do.

And while Sonny also realized, just as his sisters did and kept telling him by the way, that he actually should be offended by the way Rafael treated him - he left him in suspense after all - instead Sonny instinctively sensed that what he needed to do right now was to be patient and the forgiving Catholic he was.

Surely, that was all easier said than done because nothing else than a broken heart was what had lead him back to Rafael’s door.

When Rafael opened, he didn't look at all surprised. Or resisting for that matter.

He was barefooted and still wearing the navy blue dress pants he had worn to work that day. A color Rafael had highly recommended for Sonny a couple of months ago as it would highlight his eyes.

Rafael had gotten rid of his jacket, his tie and opened the first three buttons of his white shirt. Sonny noted brown chest hair crawling seductively from under the shirt around Rafael's sternum, but he couldn't help but stare into these striking green eyes.

He looked so stunningly beautiful, it just took Sonny's breath away. The intense colors of his green eyes and the dark blue pants rivaling with each other. The shirt was untucked, he had obviously ruffled through his hair at some point. In his hand that leaned leisurely against his hip he held a glass of Scotch.

They just looked at each other for a while, green eyes locked with blue.

Sonny begged inside that Rafael would invite him to come in because he was too afraid to ask.

Sonny studied his face. Between the tense, yet soft expression Sonny could read that Rafael had missed him, too. Not that he expected him to admit that.

After what felt like an eternity Rafael took a step back and Sonny followed him, closing the door behind him.

Now, inside of the apartment the situation didn’t change. They stood and stared, the fridge hummed somewhere in the background. Rafael took a mouthful of his Scotch, until Sonny finally spoke.

"Hey."

"Hi."

Silence.

"I missed you."

Rafael licked over his lips, Sonny imagined him to taste the smoky Scotch there.

"How are you doing lately?"

Rafael broke the eye contact to have a look into his empty Scotch glass. He took a deep breath and his answer was not much more than a whisper.

"It's not easy."

This little admittance came as no surprise to either one of them, still Sonny was astounded by this much.

"Uh, how have you been?"

Sonny felt tears forming in his eyes. Helplessly, he shrugged his shoulder. He was in love and totally heartbroken, how was he supposed to say this?

"How long are we gonna keep up this limbo?"

"Sonny."

Rafael's expression turned incredibly soft. They hadn't even talked about it. About the things Rafael was so afraid of or all the complications they would inevitably face, Sonny had no illusions about it being not easy. And maybe he was a fool for thinking that love would overcome it all.

"We love each other, in my opinion that's the greatest thing in the world."

"So why are we not happy then?"

"Weren't we?"

"Sonny, I can't…"

Sonny nodded when he read in Rafael’s eyes that he couldn’t end the sentence.

"So." Sonny took in a deep breath, already afraid of Rafael's answer. "Are you breaking up with me?"

Rafael simply shook his head, his eyes pleading. Sonny nodded again. So tonight was not the night for any forthcoming, in whatever way.

"I want you to know anyway," Sonny didn't need to see the expression in Rafael's eyes to know that he should shut up, not push the subject that was not ready to be pushed yet. "That I love you. And everything I want for my future starts and ends with you."

Rafael just pressed his lips together into a thin line. Sonny noticed how hard he swallowed and couldn't quite believe that he must have pushed him to the edge of tears.

He took a step towards Rafael to see him not flinch away.

"Can I show you…?"

Without missing a beat, Rafael nodded.

And Sonny cupped Rafael's face and kissed him.

He heard how the rock glass hit the parquet floor and didn't burst. Rafael's hands went up to Sonny's shoulders, held on tight there for a moment before his palm moved over Sonny's neck into his hair.

The kiss was far away from being as desperate as they felt.

They kissed each other over and over again open mouthed, until their tongues flicked and met each other gently. Their breathing was heavy, but unhurried.

Rafael's hand raked thoroughly through Sonny's hair. Fingertips explored the sensitive skin of his scalp. Between thumb and index finger Rafael stroked over Sonny's shell of the ear.

Rafael looked so sexy that Sonny didn’t want to undress him. As his skin felt like little needles were pinning all over it and Rafael made no move to undress him, Sonny pushed gently against him.

Rafael didn't hesitate, he stepped backwards.

With their lips still glued together, they slowly walked towards the bedroom. Sonny nearly jumped when he felt Rafael’s warm hand underneath his Henley. These hands on his naked skin felt wonderful, they just belonged there.

Rafael pulled the Henley over Sonny’s head, placing his hands immediately over the bare chest he found there.

Sonny’s heart pounded like mad. He was sure, Rafael felt it. It was the heartbeat of anticipation.

When they arrived in the bedroom, Sonny took a moment to take in the view of his man. The beautiful kiss-bruised lips, the light flush, the messy hair. This was exactly the look that gave Sonny no chance to resist Rafael.

With trembling fingers Sonny undid the buttons of Rafael’s shirt, happy to find no undershirt underneath. He put his open palms on Rafael’s chest and stroked each hand in opposite directions over his lover’s firm shoulders, but Sonny didn’t take the shirt off.

Rafael on the other hand fumbled with Sonny’s fly and had his pants together with his underwear pushed down in no time.

Sonny’s erection sprang free. He pushed a hand gently against Rafael’s waist.

Rafael lay down on the bed on his back. With parted lips and an intense gaze he looked expectantly at Sonny.

Sonny could see the tent in Rafael’s crotch, but he needed a moment to appreciate how beautiful Rafael was. So he let his eyes wander over his lover’s body. A fond smile accompanying the hungry gaze.

He pushed one knee between Rafael’s legs and welcomed his face with his hand. Sonny leaned in and kissed him deeply. Rafael let out a little sigh and Sonny felt him relaxing underneath his body.

 _Yes,_ this was right. This was what they were.

Sonny kissed along Rafael’s jawline, down his neck, across his chest. Rafael’s body responded beautifully with little shivers, an arching back and small moans.

Sonny kissed down the trail of hair and patiently undid Rafael’s pants. He pushed the pants down only a little, so that enough skin exposed to trail small kisses along Rafael’s hipbones.

“Sonny.”

It was a plea, but still not more than a whisper.

Sonny pushed the pants down and over his legs. Rafael was half-hard and leveled his hips up in anticipation. The intensity of how much Rafael wanted him was what aroused Sonny the most.

With relish, he licked the length of his tongue over Rafael’s dick. He teased him until he was fully hard. Nevertheless, tonight was not the night that Sonny wanted to take his time sucking Rafael off. Tonight he wanted to feel him.

So Sonny pushed himself up. He pressed one kiss on Rafael’s stomach. Another one in the middle of his chest and the third one on Rafael’s lips.

“I want to feel you inside of me.”

Sonny smiled and his heart blossomed with warmth when Rafael return the same smile.

Rafael turned his head and reached for the drawer of the bedside table. Sonny helped him retrieving the supplies.

He felt Rafael underneath him shifting his weight. He pushed his hips forward and his feet flat on the mattress. Sonny looked for a long moment at the condoms and lube in his hands, until he decided to ask.

“There’s only us, right?”

“What?”

“I mean, we don’t need these, right?” Sonny gestured to the condoms.

He saw the conflict in Rafael’s face. Maybe it was stupid to do this now, Sonny even knew it. But he wanted to feel him.

And again, Sonny was under no illusion. They were both working in sex crimes, they were both health-concerned, they both went regularly to the doctor for exams. And, for each one of them there was no other. Sonny knew that.

In the end, Rafael nodded. Sonny saw something flicker in his eyes and his heartbeat sped up. 

“If you’re not sure, tell me.”

But Rafael just took the strip of condoms out of Sonny’s hands and tossed it away, somewhere into the room next to the bed.

Now even more excited Sonny worked Rafael open gently, circling his fingers inside of Rafael in a painfully slow pace. He kissed Rafael all the while.

Just when his own body was aching for Rafael so much that Sonny thought he wouldn’t be able to stand another second without being inside of him, he finally took the lube and spread a generous amount over his own demanding cock.

He lay on top of Rafael. Both his elbows next to Rafael’s shoulders. He positioned himself in front of Rafael’s entrance and looked him deep into the eyes. The shimmer in his viridian eyes told him how much Rafael wanted him.

Sonny wanted to tell him that he loved him. But then again, not tonight.

In one smooth motion he pushed inside of Rafael.

“Ah!”

They both moaned in unison. It felt great. Like always, it was the best feeling of the world to be inside of Rafael. And feeling him without a barrier was surely thrilling, but it also felt so incredibly warm. Like coming home.

“I missed you, too.”

Surprised, Sonny looked at Rafael. He returned his gaze openly. Happily.

“Do you like how it feels?”

“Yeah.” Rafael let out a hiss when Sonny pushed his hips forward, apparently brushing a certain bundle of nerves. “It’s perfect.”

Sonny flexed his hips and started moving inside of Rafael. He kept the pace slow. Pressed their foreheads together and just got lost in Rafael’s body.

Everything around him was hot. His skin was hot. Rafael underneath him was hot.

Rafael fully embraced him. His legs wrapped around Sonny hips, his arms around his shoulders pulled him close.

When Sonny felt Rafael’s fingernails dig into his sweaty skin on his shoulders, he came.

The orgasm rolled over him from the tip of his toes through his whole body up into his head where his mouth let out a deep groan. The force of the relief came with such an intensity that Sonny thought for a moment he would pass out.

But what steadied him was the feeling of Rafael tightening around him. With a perfect “oh” on his lips and a tremble that shot through his body, Rafael came.

It took a long moment for them to come down from their orgasms. Their naked skin touching and the beautiful sweet smell of sweat and sex all felt incredibly right. They just laid there, enjoying the moment, the feel of their bodies pressed together until the prickle of oversensitivity forced them to move.

Rafael must have reached between them to stroke over his dick, because most of his release was in his right hand. With a few wet wipes from the drawer it was cleaned away fast.

They both smiled awkwardly when Sonny used two to clean up the cum that was dripping out of his hole. The sight of it was so appealing that Sonny immediately wanted more. One look at Rafael biting his bottom lip told him that he felt the same.

But again, tonight was about them being together. So Sonny positioned himself as best as possible underneath Rafael and enclosed his long arms around him.

While he was holding Rafael in his arms, his irresistible scent sneaked up into Sonny’s nose. He smelled the fading cologne, the distant aroma of coffee and the strong odor of Scotch. He smelled perfect.

“Will you stay tonight?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's been a while since I've updated this, but today I was in the right mood to write some healing smut. I hope you enjoy, feel free to leave a comment and kudos. It would make me happy.
> 
> The next chapter will be the last, I haven't totally figured it out yet, but I know what's gonna happen. 
> 
> Be kind!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the grand finale the police hat returns!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bon apétit to Budapest! I'm serving you Barisi on a platter as dessert. Or should I better say as hangover breakfast? I'm dedicating this last chapter to my very clever friend Rahel who is probably the biggest fan of this story. I'm very happy how much we connected over this. It means the world.

This had to be over. He knew it.

Nothing had change the last couple of weeks. Not to Barba’s surprise actually. How could anything change really? The situation was what it was, talking was not going to magically alter the facts. Neither one of them could genuinely expect that something would happen that would just solve it all.

It was not like nothing had happened. It had taken another three weeks until they had finally sat down and talked. Finally, overdue maybe, but nonetheless with no result.

They had worked overtime for a case and Carisi, his ever eager co-worker Detective/Counselor Dominick Carisi Jr., had stayed late with him in his office to help Barba prepare his defense. That Carisi might have been there to check on him only occurred to Barba later. The clock had been approaching midnight in fast steps and Barba hadn’t been able to hold back on the Scotch anymore.

_“Cruel!”_ Carisi had called him for making them talk in this moment, after working for seventeen hours straight, in his office of all places. He had been right of course, but after hours alone with him in the same room just the two of them, Barba had felt cooped in and after all, he had had to prove a point. No matter how much gentleness Carisi saw in him, ultimately Barba was cruel.

Tiredness hadn’t obfuscated their minds and they had talked. About all the stones in their path. Some hindrances they had found to overcome more easily than others. And some simply remained. And these were the ones that had made Barba return to his dilemma.

Their different ways of living although drastic in suggestion were barely more than a difference on paper, they had always been like this and quite obviously that had been the way they had fallen in love with each other. Even the prospect of their careers suddenly became a crippling vanity when it came to being just them.

But then again, in the end, there were some quirks they would never change about themselves, because that would mean more than just adapting to the situation. The deeper understandings of family and their views on life was not something where they clashed. No, in fact it was rather something where they had no pitch point at all.

They had gone home that evening and again, Barba hadn’t called him and again, Barba hadn’t called it off. _Cruel indeed_ , Barba thought bitterly. He should treat him better especially considering the grip he had on Carisi’s heart.

Carisi also hadn’t broken up with him for that matter. And while that gave Barba a strange kind of relief he yet didn’t know why. He certainly thought that Carisi should. May it because Carisi shouldn’t allow Barba to treat him that way, may it because Barba secretly wanted Carisi to do what he was not brave enough to.

So far.

Now he would need to be.

He loved him, he really did. Unfamiliarity was not the issue here, it was not like he had never been in love before but still there was something odd about the way he felt for Carisi. He bestowed a very unique kind of sentiment on him. It came along with a sense of wellbeing, certitude and security that Barba never knew was possible.

But still, the thought that they had a future together was nothing more than an illusion. If that was only his opinion or the truth Barba didn’t know. In the end it didn’t matter. The hurdles were there and neither one of them was equipped to break through. Least of all Barba who in his own humble opinion was the only one supposed to do that.

Sometimes he felt like the reasons slipped through his fingers. They suddenly became blurry under the blinding light of his weeping heart. This was how he sometimes couldn’t put a finger on why they shouldn’t be together. But still, everything, literally everything about them screamed wrong to Barba. And this everything concerned nothing less than Carisi’s heart, his incredible kindness and the dreams of his life. All things that Barba felt he wasn’t entitled to. Because, really, wasn’t Carisi’s heart not just a waste in his hands but even more so in acute danger of being crushed.

Just that it had only ever felt right.

And Barba hated that the decision was his as Carisi had clearly devoted himself to the illusion. Therefore it was for him, for Sonny, so Barba told himself, that he needed to do this. No matter how much his aching heart told him how afraid he was.

So Barba got up, ignoring the heaviness in his heart tearing him down. He needed to do it. There was no way around and this random evening was as good as any.

His heart thrummed against the inside of Barba’s ribcage when he went into his bedroom to dress up. A quick glance on his phone told him that it was half past ten. He had poured down two Scotch so far. Nothing to worry about and frankly just the right amount for achieving the cockiness he needed and just enough to ignore the cold touch of fear on his shoulder daring him to look back.

Earlier this evening he had already switched from his suit into something comfortable after taking a shower. Now he chose simple jeans, a polo shirt and a jacket. All in gray and gray again, and strictly no blue.

When he wore on his shoes, ignoring his shaking fingers, he contemplated about texting Sonny in order to ask if he was home. It was not unrealistic to assume that he was with one of his sisters or Rollins. And if he was true to himself Barba wasn’t sure that if Sonny wasn’t there today he’d ever find the courage again. But Barba decided to not make Sonny unnecessarily agitated. Throwing Sonny in cold water was for some reason what Barba considered the right move.

His clothes felt incredibly hot on his body and thus Barba went into the bathroom to splash some cold water in his face. It helped only for a split of a second, basically just in the moment the water clashed on his skin. His heart kept pounding like mad in his chest. Barba knew it would break this evening, but he seriously had hoped that the pain would delay until later.

He moistened his palms and used his fingers to comb through his hair. He knew that his attempt was not only a wasted effort but that he was basically committing a cardinal sin to his hair. However that was apparently the amount of terror he was feeling about what he was going to do.

His bathroom was already tiny but Barba felt like the walls were coming closer each second. As he didn’t know what to do he recalled Sonny into his mind. He was doing it for him. This angelic face he would never see in his bed ever again, he was doing it for him.

And this was when the walls enclosed around him.

Barba basically trembled out his bathroom. Suddenly his whole apartment seemed to have shrunken to a fraction of its original size. The narrowness he tried to escape just followed him and manifested itself in his chest.

As quickly as his steps took him Barba walked to his door, hoping that the fresh air outside would help him breathe, but the louder his heart beat echoed in his ears, the tighter his ribcage closed around his lungs, the more Barba thought he would never gasp a gulp of air again.

And it was there, two steps away from his front door that the idea came to Barba’s mind that he might die right there right then from a heart attack and wouldn’t that be life being cruel? To Sonny, not to him. Barba might even deserve it for his overgrowing self-flagellation, but to Sonny, _his_ Sonny this was not fair. That Barba would die before Sonny knew that he was about to leave him. That he’d die without ever telling him how much he loved him.

Barba tried to ignore the cold sweat in the back of his neck and reached for the icy silver doorknob with a trembling hand. It was then that his tongue bulged, pressed firmly against the roof of his mouth leaving a metallic taste underneath.

Barba felt like the pure air around him was tightening the sling around his throat.

Instead of running outside Barba made it back to his bathroom.

There, he closed the door behind him and sat down on the floor. He didn’t vomit, he also knew that his tiny bathroom was not the right place to hide when he felt like running away.

But the walls stopped leaning towards him as soon as he had made his decision.

He just sat there and waited until his tripping breath evened out. It took a while until he was able to move enough to get rid of his clothes. He didn’t know how long it took until he got up, changed his clothes again (narrow jeans and a bright blue button up shirt), but it was well past eleven when he finally left his apartment.

He had thought that he loved Sonny enough to do this, as it turned out he loved him too much so he couldn’t do it.

The decision maybe gave comfort to his heart, but was in no way an easy one for Barba. It was time for Barba to allow himself to accept to listen to what Sonny had told with eyes, smiles and endless home-cooked meals. That he was not cruel after all, but maybe incredibly meek.

* * *

“Rafael!”

Marveled was the tone of Sonny’s voice when his sleep stricken face appeared in the door crack.

“I didn’t know you were coming.”

His dirty blond hair was absolutely adorably messy, but his comment was lame. Of course Sonny didn’t know, but Barba was the one feeling like a fool all the same. What to say? Now with their reunion just a second away Barba suddenly felt the adamant urge to not talk.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure, sorry.”

Quickly, overly keen Sonny stepped aside to let him in. Three steps and Barba was standing in the middle of the shoebox that his boyfriend called his apartment. The smell of burned pizza greeted him. He heard the door click behind him and Barba thought that he may never had felt this awkward before in his entire life. There was nothing to say really. They loved each other and that’s what they should do.

He turned to look at Sonny. Barba couldn’t quite catch the expression on his face as Sonny hadn’t bothered to turn on the light and the streetlights from outside only provided dim lightning.

Barba who was used to present himself with all pomposity was here to start their new chapter and honestly, the set up was just the right amount of lousy.

“I love you.”

He needed no light to see Sonny’s face beaming up. His boyfriend basically fell forward welcoming Barba in his arms and kissed him sloppily with way too much tongue considering the gentleness of the situation. But Sonny had missed him.

And Barba had missed him.

Abruptly Sonny stopped, pulled his head back to check Barba’s face. Apparently wondering if the sudden love confession was an introduction to a breakup or seriously to reason.

“You mean, we’re now together, right? Please, tell me this is over, Rafi. I mean the waiting, not us-”

Barba interrupted Sonny by standing on tip toe and running his tongue around Sonny’s rosy lips. A shameless groan escaped his lover’s mouth and Barba knew that this was exactly what he needed tonight.

“I just want to say for the record that I still think this is a bad idea and it’s very likely that I’m going to disappoint you-”

“I still disagree-“

“-but I will try not to.”

_The illusion had to become reality._

Sonny’s lips curved into a smile. He pressed their foreheads together, but his hands didn’t follow the cuteness of this gesture. They were rather alluringly searching for bare skin underneath Barba’s shirt. And again, this was what Barba needed. The sweetness, the suggestiveness. All of it and all of it together. Anything that would keep them from talking about this mess, but also anything that would confirm their feelings for each other.

“What made you change your mind?”

In order to avoid looking into Sonny’s eyes Barba kissed him, long, deep and meaningfully.

He didn’t find a way to avoid the truth in the kiss so he answered quick and easy.

“I can’t be without you.”

_I literally can’t breathe._

It was all Sonny needed to hear and maybe, so Barba hoped, he felt the same. “I love you, too, Rafi. So, so much. You don’t know how much.”

Barba decided that it was time to finally show each other how much, so he rather unceremoniously plunged his tongue into Sonny’s mouth. Sonny had always been a good kisser and he didn’t disappoint Barba now either, but instead kissed him with all his passion. Barba felt how much Sonny had missed him, how much he wanted him.

And Barba had never wanted anything in his life this much. He had basically tortured himself the last months forcing himself to be apart from Sonny and it felt incredibly liberating to finally allow himself to let go of the pain inside of him. His worries were banned somewhere into the back of his mind.

He needed to fuck him, on him. He wanted to feel his man’s dick inside of him.

Sonny’s hands seemed to have had the same idea as they had peeled Barba out of his well-chosen outfit in no time, speed being the more pressing issue than seduction.

As Sonny was only wearing a t-shirt and boxers, he was naked even faster and they pressed their bodies together to feel as much bare skin as possible.

“Oh god, Rafael, you smell so fucking good.”

Barba couldn’t concentrate on all the fucking endearments as Sonny poured kisses over him. His delicate lips found an even more delicate path along Barba’s jawline, at the end of which his tongue teased his ear shell and from there kissed down his neck, in the heat of the moment using some teeth.

_Fuck! Eso es…_ “That’s right, Sonny.”

Barba’s dick twitched when he basically felt the shiver running down Sonny’s spine at his words. Why did he need to be this fucking perfect? Barba closed his eyes and placed his hands on Sonny’s strong back while he exposed his neck to give his lover better access.

“Harder, cariño.”

Sonny sucked at his pulse point almost immediately. Despite Barba being too old for this and never having wanted hickeys his entire life, he needed this in this moment. He needed to see the physical proof of their love later, the sweet pain it caused.

“Don’t stop, Sonny.”

Barba forced his eyes open while Sonny continued to spread open-mouthed kisses along his throat. It would probably all be purple tomorrow. Good, exactly what he wanted.

Barba let his eyes trail through the tiny flat. This was the time for his favorite position, he knew this. He needed to be fucked and he needed to give it to Sonny hard. He needed to slide onto his cock.

And there was no reason to lose any more time.

He pushed Sonny away who mumbled some kind of protest. Apparently Barba had lost any ability to understand English, may it be due to his thrumming heart or his burning desire.

He put his two palms against Sonny’s broad chest and pushed. His lover basically trembled backwards and fell onto an armchair, right where Barba wanted him to be.

“Oh fuck, Rafael!”

Sonny’s gorgeous lips trembled along with the piercing gaze of his eyes, obviously more than aroused by the prospect of what was going to come. Barba saw that Sonny’s whole body was covered in a blush. It was intoxicating and Barba smirked. Sonny’s dick was already bone hard, waiting for him impatiently.

“Good boy.”

Barba had no other chance but to purr. He took advantage of the smallness of his boyfriend’s apartment and retrieved the lube from a shelf nearby. It was only a few steps away from the armchair.

He had also detected a clothes-stand nearby. On the clothes-stand a certain black uniform caught his eye.

Barba bit his lip. He couldn’t resist. Before he firmly sat down on Sonny’s lap, he fetched the uniform hat and put it onto Sonny’s head.

“Oh my god, Raf, I can’t believe how kinky you are right now in this fucking moment.”

“Shut up.”

Barba was not being an ass, he was rather impatient. Neither Sonny nor he cared about being kinky right now and they both knew, they just needed to have sex as soon as possible.

The bottle of lube was already in Barba’s hand when Sonny took it away from him.

“Let me.”

Sonny buried his nose in Barba’s neck, the detective’s fervent tongue constantly licked along Barba’s sternum and through chest hair while he pushed two slick fingers into Barba’s ass without much ado.

Sonny was sloppily working him open, not at all showing any finesse that his clever fingers were usually able to. But it was enough. Tonight was not the night for foreplay. Tonight was the night Barba would ride him so hard that they both wouldn’t be able to walk without a limb the next day.

“Fucking look at me.”

It was more breathing than actually giving orders, but Sonny looked up.

“Slick your dick.”

And Sonny obliged without missing a heartbeat. They were both already covered in sweat, but Barba felt the blood rushing even faster through his veins when he watched Sonny spreading lube over his beautiful, beautiful dick.

Barba had both his legs positioned next to Sonny’s thighs, basically kneeling on him. He took the stupid lube bottle out of Sonny’s hand and threw it away to somewhere.

He lifted his ass up and slowly, painfully slowly slid down on Sonny’s cock.

“Oh my god!”

Sonny basically whined and Barba couldn’t blame him.

“You and your fucking big dick!”

Sonny’s size was impressive and Barba fucking loved it. He loved how his big dick filled him up so nicely. It really did make him feel complete and maybe Barba only understood the meaning of this in this moment.

Barba started rocking his hips forward, enjoying the feel of Sonny’s dick inside of him. Barba’s own neglected cock was throbbing up and down between them with every thrust, but Barba didn’t care. He rather concentrated on the feeling of Sonny inside of him.

Barba was setting a fast pace, he couldn’t get enough. He lifted his hips up more and more only to slide down hard. It happened that he only held the tip of Sonny’s dick between the ring of tight muscles of his hole before let Barba’s hips fall down again.

In response Sonny bit into his shoulder.

“Ay, mi amor.”

That would leave a mark.

Barba nearly laughed. He only felt prickle. Prickle in his lips, in his fingertips, in his dick. Probably underneath his skin, too. Barba didn’t know. All the impressions around him and feelings inside of him melted into one and quite frankly, Barba didn’t care as long as Sonny’s dick was inside of him.

He felt that Sonny put the hat onto his head. As Barba was bouncing on his cock the hat probably didn’t stay in place on Sonny’s head.

Sonny used his new freedom to shamelessly lick over Barba’s nipples.

This felt too good.

Barba pressed a light kiss in the crown of Sonny’s hair, but he knew he needed to drive him a little crazier.

This was way Barba lay both of his palms onto Sonny’s shoulders and slowly slid his hands along his lover’s neck. The response was the beautiful whimper, the amazing shiver Barba had wanted. Sonny fucking loved to have his neck caressed.

This was why Barba let his fingertips explore the sensitive skin on Sonny’s scalp.

“Oh fuck, Rafael.”

And it was that easy.

“I love you so much. Dear god!”

To make him a bubbling mess.

“I’d do anything for you, do you now that?”

Sonny’s hands who had been wandering aimlessly along Barba’s back stilled. Fingernails dug into flash.

“Fuck! Fuck!”

Barba’s right hand in Sonny’s graying hair tightened and pulled at a bundle. Sonny bent his neck back, his pupils were blown wide.

“You feel so fucking good, Rafael!”

Barba licked into Sonny’s mouth aimlessly and his lover just moaned, apparently extremely far gone so that shame or reason was not in their way.

“Grab my ass, mi amor.”

Barba was surprised by how rough his voice sounded. He couldn’t manage more than a whisper but Sonny’s hands sprang to Barba’s ass in no time.

“And hold onto your dear life.”

Barba put his feed flat on the armchair next to Sonny’s thighs. He tightened the grip on Sonny’s hair and Sonny tightened the grip on Barba’s ass.

Now everything was beyond perfect.

Barba closed his eyes.

He rocked his hips forward and felt how Sonny lifted his hips to help him fuck into him.

Everything around him melted. He didn’t really hear the moans that they let out in unison. He didn’t really hear the sound of naked skin slapping against each other. He didn’t feel the pain of the hickeys on his throat or the scratches on his back. He didn’t smell the sweat.

All he felt was the heat of Sonny. Barba was sure Sonny felt the same. The same high. Better than any drug. Sonny, too, felt the heat spreading needles over their skin and enflame the fire in their groins. And that was everything Barba felt and consequently knew. That here they were the both of them. Fucking, loving. Just being them together.

Barba distantly felt the heat dam underneath the police hat on his head before the orgasm rolled over him.

It was beyond words. It rolled over him in hot waves and all the warmth manifested in his heart. He felt so spent and energized at the same time that this was really feeling like coming home.

And the absolutely most perfect thing in this moment was that he felt that Sonny’s dick was squirting warm spurts of cum inside of him.

Barba wrapped his arms around the love of his life and held him through his orgasm.

And they just stayed like this.

Sonny’s hands glued to Barba’s ass. Their bodies pressed together, smearing Barba’s cum between them onto each other’s torsos. Sonny’s softening cock unceremoniously slipping out of Barba’s hole followed by Barba’s cum.

And everything was perfect. From their aching joints to their heavy breaths. Everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, you GUYS, I'm so sad this is over but it had to end some day! This is one of three wips (other than [Know Better](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19028809/chapters/45193159) and [Go On, I'll Watch](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18455459/chapters/43723460)) that I have wrapped up in the last three weeks. It's terrifying to let go of these stories, but it gives me time to write new things. I hope you're with me!  
> As for [Smitten](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17442977/chapters/41069927), you should yell at my two betas to finish betaing soon (lol no, I love you guys)!
> 
> So, this story means a lot to me and big shout out to everyone who has followed me along the way. I'm genuinely grateful. As we are saying goodbye now, please leave a comment. It would mean a lot to me.
> 
> Thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> I had a really bad week, so this was so spontaneous and pure therapy. It's not betaed, sorry for any mistakes. 
> 
> I love everyone for reading this and I am happy for kudos and comments!


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